Eric: Hey, everybody. Welcome to steel watching, the podcast for Remington steel fans. I am Eric, and this is just an opinion. But I would say having a job that involves driving 10 or more hours a day when you live in a place that could have as little as 4 hours of daylight and you have night vision problems, yeah, probably not a good combination. I'm just saying.

I'm just saying. Completely hypothetical. Absolutely. Yeah. Sure.

Sarah: And I'm Sarah, and it's gonna be a bright age. Oh. I just had to do it. I had to do it. Oh, I

Eric: mean, that is so

Sarah: Can I interest you in a party in which we I sell you some I have a great opportunity for you? Low kind of slow investment. You could be your own boss. No driving at all.

Eric: You know? And I do get those from time to time. And, you know no. No. No.

It's not multilevel marketing. It's you know, they they come up

Sarah: with some other need for it. Kinds of yeah. What's the direct sales is the is the latest Yeah. Terminology for it.

Eric: But it all comes out in the wash as being the same thing. Oh, yeah. Hey. Before we get started, we did have a comment posted to our Twitter. Woah.

Whatever.

Sarah: Yeah.

Eric: And the comment starts out, love this. I'm presuming they're talking about the podcast and not necessarily the ability to post comments on Twitter.

Sarah: I hope so.

Eric: Then they had a question that said, curious. How do you usually handle show notes after recording? Do you write them manually or pull from transcripts? Now I'm not entirely sure from the question what aspect of this they were asking about, but if you will indulge us for just a moment, we'll do a little bit of inside baseball here and give you some of the Oh. Some of some of the strategy.

There's actually 2 set 2 sets of notes that are are created. There's the notes that Sarah and I create when we're making our notes for the episode. And I know that we both use the episodes from the DVDs Mhmm. Where we have a script. We will reference that.

Although the scripts that we get, courtesy of Judith Moose, who provides so much information to the community, are not always the shooting versions. So there's issues there. And then what I also use, and I don't know if Sarah uses these or not, are transcripts from the steelinlove.com website. And those are pretty good. They're not a 100% perfect, but they're pretty good.

They are taken they're transcripts of the episode as as it aired. Now when we're done, what we do is we have some notes that go into your podcast player so that if you look at the episode information, you'll see some notes there. And what we provide there is the show summary that we use here in the openings of the episodes, again, courtesy of Judith Moose's book, steal love after all these years. And then from that point on, it's basically just cut and paste stuff that's all the same. The only only thing that changes from episode to episode is gonna be the Amazon links, the movies that we reference, and that sort of thing.

Sarah: Well, my my process is slightly different and way more work.

Eric: Oh, really?

Sarah: Yeah. You're doing it the easy way. I'm doing it the hard way. I I watch the episode and literally type it all out as I go. Well, I mean,

Eric: I do that too.

Sarah: But Like, I I don't even look at the I I make Oh. Yeah.

Eric: Oh, everything. You don't copy and paste from from the transcript or

Sarah: from from the script? Oh. I could, and I probably should, but I won't retain anything that way. And and no. I like, my ADHD, I will literally just it'll you know, I'll forget about everything.

And so I literally watch it, and I'll type it out as I'm watching it, which results in a lot of stopping and starting, obviously. But in doing so, I I stick in snide little comments or little things that I wanna remind myself, or I put links to something if I've googled something for information or whatever. So, like, for me, the only way to remember what I'm actually gonna talk about is to type it out bit by bit.

Eric: It takes for me to remember it is to read it.

Sarah: It takes about an hour to do, like, 10 minutes. So I'll do, like, an hour a night, and then I'll like, it'll take 5 nights for me to get all my notes ready, which is ridiculous. And I there's probably an easier way, but my brain's like, no. We're doing it this way. You have no choice.

So

Eric: yeah. Well, it takes me a long time too, but, I'm I'm hampered by the fact that

Sarah: squirrel. Oh. Yeah. Anyway Fair. Fair.

Eric: Fair. Alright. Well, let's get into the episode. Season 4 episode 13, Suburban Steel. First aired 02/11/1986, written by Robin Bernheim, whose name has come up numerous times, and directed by Stan Lathen, who has 2 previous directorial credits and 1 more coming up.

Went with TV Guide listing because, you know, why not?

Sarah: Yeah. It's here.

Eric: It's here. Yes. Laura's sister, who's prone to exaggeration, can't convince anyone that there was a dead man on her kitchen floor until Steele finds a body in the trash. So Take a look. That's a pretty good 1.

I I do like I do like the DVD liner notes. It's a shame that that some of that couldn't have been incorporated into the TV guide listing. The t DVD liner notes are domestic bliss goes down the drain when Laura's super mom sister finds a dead man in her kitchen.

Sarah: I like that too. Yes. It's worth noting, and this was in Judith's book, and I'm sure you've got it written down here too, Judith Barcy, who played Laurie Beth Piper, was unfortunately killed in a murder suicide by her father at at the age of 10. She was also, like, she had been in it's a really sad story because she had been in so many movies and things like that in her short, short life. She was in, All Dogs Go to Heaven, and it was actually like, I think it was during filming of that that that she was killed because if I recall correctly, Burt Reynolds who voiced the the dog in that film had to rerecord all of his lines where he's saying goodbye to the little girl because she had passed away already, and it was really difficult for him to do so.

And he kept, like, breaking down in the recording of it. So really sad story and, obviously, really heartbreaking situation, but she's in this episode. So and it was it's mentioned in Judith's book, so I just wanted to point that out. She's in this. Yeah.

Eric: Alright. Let's get started. Episode opens and we see a clock on a kitchen wall which reads 07:00. And we see toast pop up from the toaster and a female hand starts pulling out the slices. And we see bacon being fried in a pan and a pair of tongs pick up and flip the slices.

Then we see a female hand again pulling down boxes of breakfast cereal from a kitchen cabinet and then pouring milk into glasses. Then we see the clock again. It now reads 07:16. Gloves, hands.

Sarah: That wallpaper is so eighties. It hurts my eyes. Like, it's just painful. Well, yeah. Continue on.

I just I it it's 1 of those things where you, like, you're you get it like a jump scare of your childhood, and you're like, oh, yeah. I remember when when we decided that this was okay for our kitchen, you know, stuff like this.

Eric: Well well and and then what was it back in the the fifties you had? Or maybe no. Maybe it was the sixties and '70 seventies. The avocado and harvest gold and

Sarah: The wood paneling and the yeah.

Eric: Oh, yeah. Oh.

Sarah: No. Thanks.

Eric: Our house here is definitely showing its age. It has wood paneling faux wood paneling, I suspect, on the living room walls. It would be great if we could tear it down, but it's not our house, so, you know, can't do that. Yeah. Can't Next, do we see the clock again, and it reads 07:16.

Gloved hands are using a fuzzball on a metal stick to clean a pan in which the bacon has been frying moments earlier. That female hand then is returning boxed cereals to the cabinet, and then gloved again, they're rinsing out the cereal bowls and placing them in the dishwasher and then closing the front door to the dishwasher. And to quote Tim Taylor's perplexed question, so we have to wash the dishes before we put them into the dishwasher.

Sarah: Yep. Yeah. Yeah. I and I remember, like, when when I was when my parents had a dishwasher, we always had to do this. Mhmm.

I'm I'm given to understand that dishwashers have gotten a bit better since and there are some that, you know, you don't need to, like, pretty much wash your dishes before you wash your dishes. But Mhmm. We like, being in an apartment, we don't have a dishwasher, and I don't know that I would use 1 if we did because we only there's 3 of us. The the amount of like, we only have 4 bowls and 4 plates and 4 like, you know what I mean? Like, we just have to

Eric: Well, you you actually do wash them and and

Sarah: Well, yeah.

Eric: Rinse them after you've used them as opposed to some people who let them stack up for a week.

Sarah: And then No. That would drive me nuts. That would literally drive

Eric: me them in the dishwasher and run the dishwasher and then let them sit in the dishwasher. Yeah. As you take I mean, you could do without cupboards. You just you got a dishwasher. That's where all

Sarah: the dishes are stored. There. But we don't have enough to even let them stack up. Like, we literally just have 4 of each size. So you wouldn't have enough space.

Like, the dishwasher would always be running at half empty or half full half full half empty. Same thing. And, like, we can't let them stack up in the the sink because then we wouldn't have any dishes the next time we went to eat. So we could buy more dishes, I'm sure, but it actually serves as, like, motivation to actually wash them immediately because then, otherwise, don't have any dishes.

Eric: Alright. Well, then again once again, we see the clock, and now the clock reads 07:45. We see hands grab a set of keys from a counter, and then the camera pulls back to reveal that it is Frances Piper, Laura's sister. And behind her as she heads to the back door are the 3 Piper children, Danny carrying a 3 sided cardboard display entitled The Tooth. Obviously, dad helped.

Yep. Then comes Mindy wearing a Brownies uniform and then Laurie Beth. The actress playing Mindy has got to be wearing a wig. I'm sorry.

Sarah: It's it's just It's in my notes too. I'm like, why is because, a, it it doesn't fit very well. And, b, her eyebrows are, like, are dark.

Eric: Well and it's just that the it's not quite as apparent in this scene, but later on, it it is. It's just it it's it doesn't look right. I mean, it's all fake wig puffy and you know? And just it's

Sarah: Well, it it's mainly for me the eyebrows because most of the time, if you're going to have a wig that's blonde or you're, you know, and you put that on somebody who's a brunette, they're Mhmm. Like, my eyebrows are quite dark. Right? You put blonde hair on me, and you're unless you bleach my eyebrows, which sometimes they have they do, but they probably wouldn't do for a child.

Eric: Right.

Sarah: It's gonna be pretty apparent that I'm not a natural blonde.

Eric: Oh, I thought you were gonna go somewhere else, but okay.

Sarah: No. And as you said, you can you it's got a, like, a weird shape on her head, and it just yeah. I I had that same thing in my notes. I'm like, that is an odd unless they've teased her hair within an inch of its life

Eric: Mhmm.

Sarah: And dyed it blonde, which would be very strange for a child to do that. I don't know why you'd put a blonde wig on a child either. Like, why not just use her real hair? Yeah. I it just it just.

But it's not her natural hair color. That's for sure. Yeah. And it just does not look

Eric: like her real hair. Anyway, that's beside the point. Well, as the kids troop out of the house, Frances, of course, quizzes them. Danny, homework, and an enthusiastic check. Mindy, homework, a bored and slightly annoyed check, and no homework, Lori Beth volunteers.

And as the kids head toward the car, Francis turns back into the kitchen and calls to Donald that they're leaving for the carpool.

Sarah: So help help explain carpool to me.

Eric: Okay. Well, what we have here is not a carpool.

Sarah: Yeah. That's why I'm asking you to explain it to me because I was given to understand that carpool, and we never did this, like, as a kid because I I I got driven by my parents, and then I took a bus. But No.

Eric: Actually, it is. There's a bunch of kids there. So Oh, okay.

Sarah: I'm given to understand that it's it's but I I thought you took turns. It seems like she drives these other people's kids every single day.

Eric: Yeah. Usually well, usually, it is that you take turns. You know? It's

Sarah: And she's in a punch buggy.

Eric: Enough with this made up game.

Sarah: It's not.

Eric: The the idea is that you get a small group of parents that all have kids going to the same school and going there at about the same time.

Sarah: Yeah.

Eric: And then you like you say, you do generally will rotate. 1 person has it 1 day, 1 person has it another day. But sometimes cool. And so parents b and c pay parent a so much for gas, money, and time to do all their kids all the time.

Sarah: So, I mean, there's different variations. Tells us anything. It's that none of the wives work in this cul de sac suburban area anyway. And, also, having pointed out the punch buggy, something else just occurred to

Eric: me. Okay.

Sarah: Remember how I I I wondered how who was dropping Laura off? Because it was a a station wagon that dropped her off and still spawning. Maybe it was Francis.

Eric: Could have been.

Sarah: Because Could have been. That yeah. Like, it this is twice in a row that we've seen a station wagon Mhmm. With wood paneling, a punch buggy.

Eric: Yeah. I'd have to go back and actually pull it up and see if I could tell if it's the same make and model.

Sarah: Yeah. I don't know about that, but we we don't see who's driving. But Laura just shows up in a station wagon, and you're like, okay. Who is that? Who's driving that car?

Eric: Yeah. But, I mean, if it's the same make and model and the same color, we could hypothesize.

Sarah: Yeah. Alright.

Eric: Hypothesize is a fancy word that means swag, scientific Yes.

Sarah: I've never heard that before, but I like it. We'll get back to you on that, but I know we now have a working theory as to who dropped Laura off in Steel Swine.

Eric: That's right. Okay. So let's see. She's called to Donald to leave her to the carpool. Donald comes in.

He's working on getting his tie tied. He tells Francis to take it easy today. They kiss, and she assures him that everything is fine. And then she reminds him to dump the garbage. And in a chastening tone, he asks if he's ever let her down.

No. He hasn't, she admits. 1 final kiss, and she leaves. Next, we see that Frances is driving the family station wagon, and it is, yes, full of kids. I I'd forgotten till I went and checked my notes and watched the video again just real quick right now.

Full of kids pulling up in front of the school. As the kids in the front start piling out, Frances gets out, walks to the back where she opens the gate, and

Sarah: lets the kids who are

Eric: sitting in the way back

Sarah: out. I remember those.

Eric: Yeah. You know?

Sarah: I

Eric: These back in the seventies, '8 or mid early eighties, I guess, the the stations wagons station wagons were like this. They the rear gate, you could either lay it down, and then the glass above would either, depending on the design, slide back down into the door before you dropped it or you had a separate

Sarah: Yeah.

Eric: Upper half, or they could swing out like this. And those were cool. And then they had that set of seats in the back, in the way back, that faced the back of the car. I love those station wagons.

Sarah: I'm gonna go ahead out out on a limb and guess that they were wildly unsafe, though. Because if you got rear ended, whoever in the back Mhmm. Squished. Well,

Eric: have you seen some of the small cars where you've got out on the road right now?

Sarah: I'm not I'm not trying get them wrong, you're squished. I'm just saying. Like

Eric: Yeah. These so called smart cars that are slightly bigger than a roller skate. Yeah. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

You you get into an argument with a a mailbox, and I hope your license plate spayed up. Anyway, kids pile out. Kids kids kids pile out, kisses are exchanged, and most of the kids run off toward the school building, all except Danny who exclaims, I forgot my lunch. And in a scolding tone, Francis reminds him that she handed it to him in the kitchen. So what happened to it?

And exasperated at being subjected to the third degree, he whines, I don't know.

Sarah: Francis, I feel your struggle. I feel you. I I I hear you, and I see you to go back to to I I know this. I mean, I don't know the housewife thing, but I know this very well. Forget the lunch.

It's usually her water bottle that she leaves. Right? We've got, like, 1000000000 water bottles at this point because we keep having to buy more. Where's your water bottle? I left it at school.

We we reminded I You

Eric: got 1000000 water bottles, and you can never find 1. It's like my dogs with their tennis balls. We've we've got probably a dozen tennis balls for them all laying around the house. But when you when they want 1 and they want you to throw it to them, they don't have 1, and you can't find it.

Sarah: Yeah. And and, I mean, I I I I gotta say, like, Robin Bernheim, she wrote Coffee to Your Steel, and she had, like, a lot of really good observations in that episode about Mhmm. The flight industry and and the whole stewardess phenomenon and all that kind of stuff. This 1, it it's like, it's really a really good like that whole opening sequence with making breakfast, getting everything out on the table, the kids, the homework, all of that is a really good and there's hardly any dialogue.

Eric: Yeah. It's not for the first couple of minutes.

Sarah: It almost perfectly establishes who Francis is, what her life is like, and it doesn't pass judgment on it. It's just like, this is what her morning looks like. This is what she does. This is, you know, and, you know, by the time we get to the carpool that all familiar. Where's my life?

I got my lunch. I handed it to you. Where is it? Why don't you know? I don't know.

Like, it just you you kind of like get that that day in the life of Francis Piper in a really unique way, and it just does it excellently. I just yeah. You

Eric: know? And and that's it's interesting because this sequence, in some ways, reminds me of illustrated steel, believe it or not.

Sarah: Yeah. Yeah. Which was also written by, I think, a woman, like a female writer wrote that 1 or directed it.

Eric: She directed it. This long segment of video where we see things happening, but we don't have any dialogue because everything that we're seeing explains it all. So yeah. And it's

Sarah: And it's visual shorthand for anybody who's like, I am not a housewife. I have never been a housewife. I've never played 1 on TV. But if you've ever seen all those old school sitcoms, you know, that we're the ones like, this is something that we're intimately familiar with as a society. So we know what we're seeing, and we we kind of like there's no explanation needed.

We don't need the dialogue to you know? It's We don't it's really well done. Yeah.

Eric: And and just like in Illustrated Steel, we get these cuts that take us through this progression of things, and Yeah. It it's all just it's just so well assembled.

Sarah: And it's it could be monotonous, but it isn't.

Eric: Yes. Yeah.

Sarah: Yeah. It's it's really boring and mundane things that she's that she's doing. She's making breakfast. She's washing dishes. She's getting her kids off to school.

It's not really thrilling life or death death stuff, but it's still enough to keep your attention. Not yet. Yeah.

Eric: But, yeah, it's it's well done. Anyway, after Danny whines about he doesn't know where he's lunches, she she tells him, well, just go on to class, and she'll drop it by later. He thanks her then takes off as she cautions him to keep that tooth up, honey. Back at the house, Frances enters the kitchen from the living room. She walks to the table and grabs Danny's sack lunch right there on the table.

He couldn't even see it. It was right there on My the

Sarah: dad used to say anytime I lost something, he'd either say that if my head wasn't attached, I'd, you know, I'd lose it, or he would say, if it were any closer, would bite you. Those were his 2 favorite, like,

Eric: phrases. Were a snake, it would bite you. Yep. Is what I I got. Yeah.

So So she picks it up and then turns back toward the living room, but she's interrupted. There's a knock on the back door, so she walks through the kitchen to the back door and opens it. A strange man staggers forward, leaning against the door frame, but he doesn't say anything. Yes? Francis prompts.

The man coughs as he tries to speak, then stumbles forward into the kitchen, obviously in distress. He grabs at the tie he's wearing, falls forward against the counter, knocking the flower container off and onto the floor, sending flowers scattered everywhere. He then falls face down. The back of his suit jacket has a splotch of blood with a line of blood coming down from it where he obviously bled, and it's in the middle of the splotch that we see a bullet hole. Panicked, she rushes out of the room.

Panicked, freaked out, really, Morgan.

Sarah: I think anybody would be.

Eric: Yes. Well, now we are at the office. Laura and Steele are on their way out, and as they pass Mildred's desk, Laura tells her that they are off. And I'm not a fan of Laura Stephanie in all white. But She

Sarah: I I liked this outfit. I think I

Eric: I'm not a fan of the jacket either. I love the slit skirt.

Sarah: Yeah. That's

Eric: I mean, that's Yeah. A personal opinion. No.

Sarah: No. No. Those are good. I actually had Laura in my notes. Laura is looking great in that white outfit and matching fedora.

I really liked it. Yeah.

Eric: It just it just it's it's too I mean, it's like it's like looking at a walking milk bottle. I mean

Sarah: I don't know. I think she just looks like fresh and, like I don't know. I like her in bright colors. I I it's like she looks good in them.

Eric: Yeah. I just

Sarah: I know. I just don't have white is a shade, not a color, but still. Yeah. Anyway want sweaters. You just want sweaters all day,

Eric: all the time.

Sarah: That's right. That's

Eric: right. Sweaters and skirts. Sweaters and skirts. Anyway, as they're getting ready to head out, Laura, as I said, gives Mildred the instruction and information that they're off, and Mildred interrupts saying, afraid not, hon. She holds out the phone receiver and informs Laura, it's your sister again.

Well, Laura's obviously not happy. She takes a deep, tense breath and then says, I just left, as she begins to head to the door, but Steele puts his hand out and stops her. Exasperated, Laura says she knows that she's her sister, but she has called every hour on the hour since she came to California. But it's only been 3 weeks, Steele says, seemingly not understanding. And, yeah, it's the longest 3 weeks of her life she's intensely complaining that the woman can't go to the grocery store without creating a crisis.

And Steele scolds her. She's being a bit unfair. Really? She asked. Did his sister see UFOs at midnight?

Did his sister mistaken sparrows for vampire bats? And I love Steele's response. To the best of my knowledge, I don't have a sister.

Sarah: So I love this. I love I absolutely adore his response because it's so not only is it funny and quippy, but it it we've really normalized the fact that he doesn't know who he is to a point where Laura has forgotten. And she, you know, she'll say something like this, and he jokes about it back. Like, well, it's the best of my knowledge. I don't have a sister.

But, also, they have sparrows in Connecticut, don't they? Like, why would you mistake sparrows for vampire bats?

Eric: I would think that they do, but I don't know. But, you know, if it's if it's dark

Sarah: Yes. There are several species of so I just googled it.

Eric: And and and in the dark, maybe they look like vampire bats.

Sarah: I don't know. Also, in a more on a more serious note, like, why is it do you think that Steele is so concerned about wanting to help Frances and wanting to, like, be there for her? And because any other situation, we would see this as him doing it to get under Laura's skin, but that's not how Pierce is playing it. He's playing it very seriously here.

Eric: Did you watch to the end of the episode when you were Yes. Doing your Okay. Just be patient, and you'll see.

Sarah: Well, I mean, do we do we my I guess my question is, do we believe that he's doing this because he's changed, or is he genuinely I don't know. I just we don't really see his motivation behind this. He he seems it's not his usual overly dramatic aggrandizing gestures designed to kind of irritate or, like, get under Laura's skin. Like, he seems to be genuinely concerned that she's not fitting in here and that she feels alone and isolated, and I'm wondering if he's maybe identifying with this a little bit. Or

Eric: It could be or it could also be that he is seeing how Laura is responding and handling it, and he's thinking that she will she will be handling it better. She'll get over this problem if she deals with Francis a little bit and kinda comes to some understanding with her rather than constantly trying to avoid it because it's

Sarah: True.

Eric: The stress of trying to

Sarah: avoid the

Eric: problem, trying to avoid Frances that is causing a bit of stress as well as just Frances' behavior. So, you know, if if you've got this causing stress and this causing stress, well, that's double the stress. And if you eliminate 1 of those, the 1 that you can, you you've reduced your stress level.

Sarah: I wonder as well if it's something along the lines of I mean, he he he's always been very kind to her mother as well. Mhmm. Right? And I wonder if it's somewhere along the lines of him. Like, he doesn't have a family.

He's never had a sister to bother him or, you know, a parent to try to avoid. And maybe in his mind, he can't fathom why you'd want to avoid your family when he doesn't have 1 and has never had 1. Like, maybe in his head, it's just, this is your family. You should you should be and, obviously, he doesn't have that day to day. Like, this person is driving me crazy.

Like, I I love them. They're family, but I don't wanna talk to them because I'm gonna kill them. Like, he doesn't he's never had that back and forth sibling irritation kind of thing. I I don't know. Maybe he's just kind of thinking, like, this is your sister.

You should help her.

Eric: You know? And and I I do I do understand that from the other side, you know, from Laura's perspective

Sarah: because I'm not saying that well, I'm I totally get it. Yeah.

Eric: There are how to say this? I have had family members, and I won't divulge any specifics. None of them would be here listening anyway. So but that it it it well, just to use my wife as an example, she loves her family, gets along great with her sister, her dad, you know, and such as that. And me, on the other hand, it's like it's it's family.

It's almost more obligation than it is affection. Yeah. You know? When my parents passed, it was, okay. That's so so I don't get it from the other perspective.

I don't I I I cannot comprehend how people have this so overly strong emotional attachment to to family when, for me, it's it's it's not really emotional. It's just situational. Okay? They are relatives. You know, we have this familial connection and obligations.

But, you know, if I don't hear from this person over here or that person over there for weeks, months, years, it doesn't really bother me. Know? I've I've got relatives I've I've I think I've last heard from in in decades. You know?

Sarah: But Steele has never had any of that. Right? Like, he's never had so he maybe in his mind, he feels like Laura's taking it for granted in a way because she's not wanting like, she doesn't he doesn't see what she is going through. The the irritation, the stress, the, like, okay. She's calling me every hour on the hour.

Like, this is getting like, this too.

Eric: I can't. You know? He's seen somebody who has something that he hasn't had and at some level he desires, and he can't understand why they're not rejoicing in in the fact that they have that and not appreciating the fact that you can only have this stress because you have this other thing.

Sarah: Yeah. Yeah.

Eric: You know? So yeah. It's That's my theory.

Sarah: And, I mean, I

Eric: don't blame Lauren. Though.

Sarah: Yeah. No. I I do think I I as well I think it is genuine as well, which I I found I liked because so often, he will do these things that are on the surface seem like nice gestures, but under the surface are either designed to irritate her or designed to get her in bed. And it doesn't feel like this is either 1 of those. It feels like he's, like, genuinely looking at the way she's dealing with this and saying, hey.

He's kind of advocating for Francis, which I don't think Laura is being a horrible person. I think that if she's literally been calling pretty much on the hour for for the last 3 weeks, it's a miracle that Laura hasn't murdered her, frankly. Like Yes. That would drive me up the wall. But it I think maybe he's just seeing that other side and trying to give Laura a little benefit of the doubt and say, like, she's having a hard time.

She's trying to settle in. But yeah. Oof. This this would drive me nuts too. Come on.

My god. Yeah.

Eric: Won't mention my mom. Anyway, after Steele's comment about not having a sister, Laura shakes her head and says, well, you know, that's not the point. Steele starts to respond, but he's cut off by Mildred telling him that she's gotta go with Laura on this 1, and she editorializes that Frances is a kook. And Laura reminds him that there Laura reminds Steele that there are 500 criminologists waiting to hear him to deliver a keynote, and Laura will not have her sister's neuroses getting in the way. And Steele defends Frances suggesting that she's merely having trouble adjusting to Southern California.

Well, Laura picks up the receiver finally after she takes it from Mildred, but she doesn't talk to into it. She holds it out to steal. Yeah. And Laura invites him to deal with Francis if he wants, but she's run out of patience. But she warns him the limo's leaving in 2 minutes with or without him.

Laura reaches over and punches the button on the phone to take the line off hold. Then with a look of frustrated anger on her face, hands the receiver finally to Steele, she walks off. And with resignation, he begins talking with Francis. Hi, Francis. Yes.

It's me, mister Steele. She's detained at the moment. Can I be of assistance? And then we see Francis at a payphone as she tells Steele, there's a dead man in my kitchen. And Steele responds as 1 might when speaking with somebody who's not quite in touch with reality.

Really? Anyone you know. That's that's a great great line.

Sarah: It's it's a good line because he's again, he says it so just seriously.

Eric: Yeah. And it's it's not

Sarah: Like, so casually. Oh, really? Anyone you know?

Eric: And it's it's not only that, but it's it's I I don't know the the best word to describe it. It's kind of there's a touch of, oh, really? In there. Yeah. A touch of disbelief, but not Anyway, too so he asks Francis where she's at.

And then he says, well, don't worry. Just sit tight, and we'll be right over. And as he stumbles through this disjointed exchange, Mildred gives him a perplexed look. Steele hangs up the phone, tells Mildred that Francis is just a bit upset. That's all.

What

Sarah: about

Eric: the convention? Mildred asks. And Steele looks at a copy of the convention speech that's in his hand. He hesitates and then says, yeah. Good thought.

Convention. He hands her the speech telling her that he's afraid that she'll have to stall him, and he pats her

Sarah: hand

Eric: as he's saying this. And, of course, a huge grin crosses Mildred Mildred's face

Sarah: as she tells him,

Eric: you got it, chief.

Sarah: He just gave her way too much ammunition here. Way too much power.

Eric: Well, he just made her day too.

Sarah: Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Eric: Anyway, next we see that Laura and Steele are in the limo, ostensibly on their way to the detectives convention. But Laura notices that they seem to be taking a rather unusual route to the destination. Steele assures her that it's it's just a brief detour and then tells the Fred of the day to turn left up there. As Fred stops for traffic before making the directed turn, Laura is peering out of the side window and then notices a station wagon, a very familiar station wagon. She gives Steele an accusing look as we see Francis standing on the sidewalk next to the wagon, and Steele gives an mhmm.

Prompting Laura to call him a Benedict Arnold.

Sarah: Do you wanna give the history lesson, or shall I?

Eric: Oh, go ahead.

Sarah: Okay. So Benedict Arnold was, a name that is sort of synonymous American history with the word traitor, mainly because he was initially, a soldier in the American forces during the the American Revolution, and then kinda switched sides back to the British. And this was after he had a I think he had a major victory at, like, Fort Ticonderoga.

Eric: He had several major victories.

Sarah: He was he was actually fort. Yeah. He he was Battle Saratoga.

Eric: 1 of the better generals they actually had.

Sarah: Oh, yeah. Yeah. And then but he believed the Continental Congress basically didn't sufficiently reward his efforts. Mhmm. And after he

Eric: was appointed believed that they did not supply him with enough support militarily.

Sarah: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So he was appointed to brigadier general. He watched as congress passed him over for a promotion to the post of major general 5 times in favor of his subordinates, which that would tick anybody off.

He's basically Harry Kim in Voyager. You know? That poor guy stayed in Edson the whole show. So he had apparently the intention of resigning from military service, but, basically, Washington insisted he stay. He got promoted to major general as a military commander in Philadelphia, but then eventually came to be just so frustrated with the Continental officials.

As you said, didn't feel like he was getting enough support. And so he eventually turned on the American forces and and went back to the British forces. So

Eric: yeah. Which did not work out well for him either because No. The British they took advantage of him. They used him to their benefit, but then they said, you're a trader. Why do we want you?

Sarah: Well, it's interesting that that so being a Canadian, we had some different words for for essentially, you guys called anybody who who stayed loyal to the British traders. But in our history books, they're called loyalists, especially the ones that came over back to Canada. They're called United Empire loyalists. We call them loyalists. You guys call them traders.

Tomato, tomato. Potato. I know. Let's call the whole thing off. But, yeah, that's that's literally, the title that is given to the what you would call traders.

So Benedict Arnold for us would be a loyalist.

Eric: Well, yeah. After that little brief period of time where he wasn't, but yes. Anyway, inside the Piper home, Laura is leading the way as Francis and Steele follow from the living room and into the kitchen. As they enter, Frances exclaims that she doesn't know if she can take it, which Laura, with slight dismissiveness, tells her that, you know, it's alright. Frances pushes ahead, telling Laura and Steele that he's right over here, but she stops, falls silent as she rounds the corner of the counter.

There's no body. There's no flowers strewn everywhere, and the flower canister is back on the counter where it should be. Francis is shocked, and Laura, clearly more dismissively than a moment before, tells Francis to stay calm. Distraught and confused, Francis insists, it was here. There was a body on my kitchen floor, and there was flour everywhere.

Laura steps over to steal and not so quietly asks rhetorically if that was before or after the UFO landed.

Sarah: I mean okay. I am with Laura in the sense that if Francis has cried wolf about so many things for the last 3 weeks, I totally get why Laura doesn't believe that there was a dead body on her floor. She could maybe not say some of these comments quite so loud. Mhmm. I mean, Francis is is clearly

Eric: Standing right there.

Sarah: Yeah. She's standing right there, and she's obviously I mean, if she's been doing this for the last 3 weeks, it's obvious that she's having a lot of difficulty adjusting to Mhmm. This move. And there doesn't seem to be any compassion for that part of it. I get that she's been driving Laura crazy.

And, again, I'm with Laura on I probably would've just had Mildred say I'm out as well and then left. But, even if she doesn't believe Francis, she could maybe at least play along until they're away instead of kind of saying these things loud enough where Francis can hear her because that's not gonna help Francis adjust to her situation or make her feel more welcome.

Eric: And it's not gonna help the relationship between Frances and Laura, and it's certainly not going to still Frances' need to contact Laura with Yeah. Every little

Sarah: It it's just gonna kind of exacerbate the situation. So if she just kind of placates her and plays along and and whatever else I mean, we know there actually was a dead body, but Mhmm. This could be 1 of 1000 situations that Laura's been called to Frances's house for at this point. Right. And, you know, then they'd get out and they'd be free and clear kinda thing.

Eric: Well, I do want to address the issue of the UFO having landed. Now earlier, the reference to UFOs was was fine and acceptable. This 1 is not because I'm sorry. UFO is not the same thing as flying saucer. Now flying saucer would be a UFO, but a UFO is not necessarily a flying saucer.

It's just something up in the sky

Sarah: Yeah.

Eric: That you can't immediately identify.

Sarah: Yeah.

Eric: So stop thinking that UFO means flying saucer, people. Anyway

Sarah: I usually think it it means you've had a lot to drink, but that's just me.

Eric: Oh, I thought those were the pink elephants. But, anyway Yeah.

Sarah: That fair.

Eric: Desperate for affirmation that someone believes her, Francis asks Steele if he believes her. He does, doesn't he? And Steele, with a bit of a deer in the headlight, insincerely assures her that he does. Yeah. And she pleads with Laura, and Laura just stares at her.

She doesn't say anything. She doesn't blink. She is a statue. Steele prompts her, but it's several more seconds before Laura steps over to Frances and starts to say something. But Frances, who apparently recognizes the disbelief in Laura, insists that they are talking about a real live dead person

Sarah: who was in her kitchen I love half hour ago. Again, massive props to the actress. I can't remember her name off the top of my head, but plays Frances Piper because she's absolutely hilarious. She was hilarious in in, you know, the outburst my mind's my brain is escaping me. The 1 with the dental convention.

Mhmm. You know, pray for forgiveness. Like, that whole aspect of her. She's hilarious here too. She's just genuinely, genuinely really funny.

Eric: Yeah. That actress would be Mary Edith Burrell.

Sarah: Okay. Yeah. She's so funny.

Eric: Yeah. She is. She is. Anyway, yeah, so Frances insists that there was a real live dead person there in her kitchen half hour ago. She saw him.

He was there. And in a pitying tone, Laura says, the move to California has been very difficult for you, Francis. Francis then says, the move to California had nothing to do with it. And, of course, Laura and Steele just stare at Frances. Well, she's over it, Frances says.

She begins nervously cleaning the counter with a sponge as she says that she knows how important the teaching position at USC is to Donald. And even though it meant her giving up her beautiful home in Connecticut and all her friends at the junior league and scarring emotion children emotionally, all the sacrifice mean, that's what being a wife is all about, she declares.

Sarah: She's completely well adjusted to it. Oh, yeah. Completely.

Eric: And she pauses as panic overtakes her, and she cries for them to get out of her house.

Sarah: She's no she's no. Get me out of this house.

Eric: Yes. And she runs out of the kitchen, back into the living room, and then out. And, of course, Laura rushes to follow her, and then after a moment, Steele slowly follows. Well, now we're back at the Century Towers. Mildred is guiding a group of Japanese businessmen through the halls toward the agency's offices.

They appear to be tourists or at least given the fact that 2 of the 3 men have cameras hanging from their necks.

Sarah: I mean, this is also a Japanese stereotype with, you know, the Japanese tourists with the camera. And here's the thing. I enjoy these characters. They're funny. There's obviously some some racial stereotypes in this episode that are not really necessarily they don't hold up today.

My biggest 1 is the Japanese font of subtitles that they speak in.

Eric: Japanese ish ish. Yeah.

Sarah: Yeah. But the I I do I do enjoy how much they seem to love Mildred. That that's

Eric: Yeah.

Sarah: A lot of fun.

Eric: Well but in in all fairness, a lot of TV shows and movies, sixties, seventies, and eighties, the trope of a tourist regardless of Oh,

Sarah: for sure.

Eric: Their national origin or regardless of where they're the tourist to. You know, you always show them with a camera because that's 1 visual shorthand you can use to say, oh, the

Sarah: You can't really do it anymore. We just have our phones.

Eric: Well, that's true.

Sarah: Which everybody has. Have you ever seen the movie speed? No. So Alan Ruckman's character on that in in that film, it's a bomb in a bus. If the bus drops below 50 miles per hour, the bus blows up.

So Keanu Reeves has to get on the bus and keep everybody going and try to stop the bad guy, etcetera. 1 of the characters on the bus, 1 of the passengers is a tourist who has just come to LA, and he's kind of the most annoying guy on the bus. Right? He gets on in the very first scene on the bus, he's sitting behind Sandra Bullock's character, and he's trying to chat her up. And he's like, first time in LA.

And she looks at him, and she's like, oh, no. I live here. And he's like, no. I meant me. You know, it's not like I can hide it.

And he's got, like, his camera and everything. Right? He's like, oh, no. That's funny. And he keeps talking and talking.

Finally, she takes her gum out of her mouth, and she puts it on her thumb. And she tells her that she has gum on her seat so she can move. So she doesn't have to be near him. And then towards the end of the film as the buses, you know, again, still trying to stay above 50, etcetera. They get off.

They they go off onto an off ramp, and they end up at the airport circling the runways. And you see the camera shot pan over to Alan Rex character who doesn't ever get a name. He's just annoying passenger. And he's sitting there going, we're at the airport. And 1 of the other characters says, yeah.

So and he says, I already seen the airport. Just make me think of these guys. You know, the typical tourist of, like, even on the bus when his life is in danger, he's like, oh, I already saw this. Anyway.

Eric: Anyway, so she's leading them down the hall toward the offices, and the apparent spokesman of the group excitedly tells Mildred that it is most exciting honor to visit office of Remington Steele. And from from the script, I will read what we see next. Mildred and her guests enter and come to a screeching halt. The reception area looks like the set from romper room. Toys are scattered everywhere.

Dolls, doll clothes, boats, trains. Mindy is on the couch coloring, her crayons littered about, and her latest masterpiece, an impression of Remington, taped to the wall behind her. Danny runs around the office, toy airplane held aloft, simulating the sound effects of a 7 47. His science project sits on the end table. Remington, on all fours, gives Lori Beth a ride.

His passenger squeals with delight.

Sarah: I can sum that up for you in 2 words. 2 words. Okay. Holy DILF. You've heard of MILF.

Yes. He's exuding he's ex I'm sorry, but he is exuding DILF energy here. Okay? He like, there is nothing more I realized that there's there I'm I'm going places I probably shouldn't be, but there is nothing more attractive. There is nothing more attractive than a man who, like, plays with I I realized those aren't his children, but Mhmm.

Plays with his children or genuinely enjoys the company of children. And and, like, being childlike and and kind of, like, just getting in there and and playing. You know? Like, that's that's hot. That's attractive.

And I and here's the thing. I actually think he's having fun. I don't think this is It does look like he's he looks like he's having a blast. He looks like he's just, you know, as opposed to the other episode where they had to take care of those 2 kids that were just horrific and awful, And he just appeared awkward and wouldn't around these kids. He's actually he's playing airplane, and he's giving off a pony ride, and he looks like he's having a good time.

Yes. He does. I don't know. To me, how you doing? You know?

It's it's it's delicious to watch is all I'm saying. Anyway

Eric: Now for anybody who doesn't understand the Romper Room reference

Sarah: Oh, I love Romper Room.

Eric: It was an American children's television series that was franchised and syndicated from 1953 to 1994. The program targeted preschoolers and was created and produced by Bert Claster and his presenter wife, Nancy Claster, of Claster Television and their daughter, Sally Claster and well, Sally Claster Bell Gelbard, I guess, is her full name, was her daughter, and she later trained hostesses. The national version was presented by a Nancy Terrell and filmed in Baltimore since its inception in 1953, but Romper Room was also franchised internationally at various times to Canada, The United Kingdom, Japan, Philippines, Finland, New Zealand, Puerto Rico, Paraguay, Brazil, Australia, Papua New Guinea, Argentina, and Greece. Yeah. It was a rare case of a series being both franchised and syndicated, and some local affiliates, Los Angeles and New York being prime examples, would produce their own versions of the show instead of airing the national telecast.

And for some time, local shows all over the world used the same script but with local children.

Sarah: Yeah. Actually, I I knew somebody who appeared in a few episodes of it here.

Eric: Yeah. I I I seem to recall that when we were living in Idaho, I and my sister were on a local version.

Sarah: Oh, who are you?

Eric: Yeah. Some affiliates translated the scripts into Spanish for local airings, and kids would be on waiting lists for years, sometimes from before birth to be on the show. And when Edna Anderson Taylor left Salt Lake City's KSL TV version of Romper Room, the waiting list was over 3 years long. And in 1959, John Crosby reported that the waiting list in Baltimore was so long that some of the preschoolers on the waiting list would not turn 40 until they had their chance to be on the show.

Sarah: Well, I guess I'd be still waiting for my turn then. You didn't tell me you were on a TV show, that you're celebrity.

Eric: It was I mean, it's a romper room. I mean, who who's a celebrity on that?

Sarah: I'll expect my autograph in the mail. You know, the disappointing thing about that was I thought we were gonna get

Eric: to see the all the cartoons, and they were gonna be on these big you know? Yeah. Watch them like on a regular TV. It was this little dinky screen over on the far end of the wall. I couldn't see the cartoons.

It was it was such a huge disappointment. Why was I even there if I couldn't watch the cartoons?

Sarah: The closest I ever got was being in the studio audience for the Deeny Petty show. So yeah. It's a Toronto based talk show. Anyway Well,

Eric: I want to say Mildred and the tourist gentlemen get over their shock. Mildred steps in and and steps over towards Steele, and he asks, yes, Mildred? And he stands, Laura Beth, still on his back asking, what is it? And he looks up and realizes that, oh, they have company. And so he makes an excuse that he was just doing a little developmental psychology work.

And Sure. Yeah. Steele continues to hold hold Lori Beth who has now moved over to Steele's hip. Mildred introduces the 3 gentlemen, mister Haramoto, mister Itsuaru mister Itasuru, and mister Takahamo informing Steele that these are the 3 leading criminologists from Japan. And it takes Steele a moment to recognize the significance of the gentleman in the introduction.

And then after appearing slightly dazed and confused, he suddenly brightens saying, ah, yes. The convention. Yeah. Mister Haramoto gushes, informing Steele that miss Krebs delivered most exciting speech. Mhmm.

He grunts Steele. Then the other side of his mouth tells Motor that he thought he told her to stall.

Sarah: Dude, you didn't show up, and you forgot about it. So what?

Eric: Well well, Mildred kind of addresses it the next moment when she says, how long do you think I could stall? Right?

Sarah: Although, to be fair, I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that Mildred didn't even attempt to stall. She just went Probably not. In that speech. She was just like, you know what? You snooze, you lose.

I'm I'm delivering

Eric: this speech. That that would be in line with Mildred's

Sarah: Yeah. Behavior

Eric: and and her history. Yes. Yeah. Well, mister Harimoto still impressed by Mildred tells Steele, I was not aware she solved Habsburg dagger case. Most impressive.

And Mildred excuses her misrepresentation as something must have gotten lost in translation.

Sarah: I I find it particularly bold that she would claim to assault wasn't that the case that she ran up a €250,000 debt at the casino? Yep. She's really rewriting history for this 1.

Eric: Well, mister Harimoto continues saying, however, not as impressive as the case of the Maltese cross. Okay.

Sarah: And it's like

Eric: compliments are that she is 1 clever PI, and she's kind of, yeah. And, of course, Mildred and Steele both given and Barriss laughed with Steele through gritted teeth, again giving an aside to Mildred, pointedly suggesting that it seems a great deal got lost in translation.

Sarah: I guess, yeah, I could say so.

Eric: And Mildred nervously chuckles then asks the men if they would like to see mister Steele's office. Can you say running away from the scene of the crime?

Sarah: Oh, she's yeah. She's she's bailing. Yeah.

Eric: Well, Mildred and the men enter Steele's office, but Laura, Donald, and Francis are in the room. Laura and Donald are trying to comfort Francis who is in tears. By the way, I I I really like her outfit.

Sarah: Anyway Yes. Yes. Yeah.

Eric: Sweater vest.

Sarah: Yeah. She looks good.

Eric: The 2 visitors with cameras raised them and began taking photos of the crying Francis as if she's a as if she's some sort of a display with mister Haramoto calling it a must educational tour. And can anyone say inappropriate? Well, Mildred tells the men that Francis is a distraught client and then begins to herd the men back out toward the door. Now Steele bursts in, apparently belatedly having recalled that Laura, Francis, and Don were in the office. And as Mildred tries to cover the situation by heading out of the office, telling the men to follow her, Steele apologizes to the distraught trio.

And in the script, mister Takahamo is supposed to have said in Japanese, did you catch the legs on that brunette? Nice. Steel follows Mildred and the men back out into reception with Mildred then taking the men to the supply room slash utility office to show them the water cooler and the copy machine.

Sarah: Oh. Exciting.

Eric: Yes. Suddenly, mister it's a it a well, his his name is gonna be tough for me all the way through.

Sarah: Mister

Eric: Itsuiro sees the copier and hollers, Toshiba.

Sarah: I do I do think this is this is 1 of those things where it's kind of like when you're Canadian and you're watching an American film, and you see Toronto or Vancouver, you're like, ah, that's Canada. That's Canada. It's the same thing, you know, where you're just like, I know where that is. You think it's you think it's New York, but it's not.

Eric: Yeah. Well, as an aside, the first commercial copier first successful commercial copier brand was Xerox with their groundbreaking model 9 14, which was introduced in 1959, revolutionizing offices by making dry plain paper copies using a xerographic process invented by Chester Carlson. The Haloid company, which developed the technology with Carlson, later changed its name to Xerox due to the machine's immense success, even giving rise to the verb xeroxing.

Sarah: Yep.

Eric: And in the 19 eighties, Xerox, though remained a dominant force in the copier market synonymous with the technology, there were Japanese brands like Canon, Ricoh, Konica, and Toshiba. Toshiba. A rapidly gaining ground and introducing smaller, more affordable desktop models and challenging Xerox's leadership with increased competition, especially in the growing market for personal and multifunction devices. So Yeah. Yeah.

At that point, Toshiba Copier would probably be they they in fact, they weren't even listed as 1 of the major brands during that time period. So that would be kind of a like a white raven up here, which we do have. We we have an albino raven that was flying around. And if you saw it, it was it was 1 of those you'll never see it again moments. You know?

Sarah: We have, there's a town that's probably about 40 minutes away from me that has white squirrels, and they're 1 of the few places in the country that you'll see white squirrels. Like, they're not albino squirrels. Don't think they're just white squirrels.

Eric: And yeah.

Sarah: There's also

Eric: some place, and I don't remember where. I've I've seen photographs of it, but I don't remember the details, where there's an albino moose.

Sarah: Interesting. Yes. I was told the other day by and and maybe you can confirm or deny this, but I was told the other day by somebody in The States that I know that black squirrels are not very common in The US. And they're like a dime a dozen here. Like, you can't turn around without seeing a black squirrel.

It's mostly they said or at least where they were. It was mainly gray squirrels. And so I was taking pictures. I'm like, look. They're all over the place.

Eric: Well, our squirrels up here are brown. I don't know what that

Sarah: means. No. We've got black ones all over the place.

Eric: Yeah. So, anyway, as the men excitedly photographed the copier in its native habitat, steel pleases mill what? Steel pleases Mildred?

Sarah: No. Don't think that's right. I don't think that's right.

Eric: Pleads with Mildred. I boy, my typo. What? He pleads with Mildred asking, what in the blazes? And Mildred tries to excuse her poor judgment in taking credit for the cases and bringing uninvited guests to the office by insisting that since they are so big fans of his and and they were dying to see his office, she just couldn't say no.

I mean Yeah. Not after all the wonderful things she said about him and miss Holt.

Sarah: Yeah. Sure. Tell me another 1. Mhmm.

Eric: Yeah. I'm wondering if she even gave more than a passing mention to Steele Laura. Anyway, Steele sincerely tells her that, oh, that was very gracious of her. And then he steps into the utility office and begins pushing the men back out into the reception saying, gentlemen, gentlemen, operative Krebs has graciously offered to personally host your grand tour of the City Of Angels. What about that?

And Mildred, who had been smiling, thinking she'd successfully avoided any immediate repercussions from her actions, drops her jaws, stupefied, realizing that she's been snookered.

Sarah: Yep.

Eric: And in Japanese, mister Harmoto tells the other 2 gentlemen of Mildred's offer, the men smile and excitedly begin to talk to each other as they grab her arm and start toward the door. And as they do, we see what purports to be subtitles of their words reading, There's gonna be a hot time in the old town tonight. I wonder what they have in mind for Mildred. Anyway, the the men, not quite dragged Mildred toward the door, but she begins pleading with steel. Wait a minute.

What am I gonna do with him? And smugly, he tells her that she's the clever PI. She'll think of something.

Sarah: Yep. And

Eric: he grins at the man.

Sarah: Moistered by her own petard.

Eric: Her own petard, if you're a Star Trek fan. He grins at the man as they take Mildred, and he bids them good day and then maliciously chants, naughty, naughty, naughty, naughty. And I'm not sure if he's he's meaning Mildred and her credit grabbing or the presumed thoughts of the trio have

Sarah: I think it's the presumed thoughts of what yeah. I think that's what they're what's going on in their heads.

Eric: Yes. I think they've got a very, very nutty idea. Yes. Steele turns back to face the receptionist. Francis and Donald come out of the office and begin rounding up their family with Francis informing them that they're going home.

Splendid, Steele comments to Laura upon hearing this. You've got her to calm down. No. She means Connecticut. Yeah.

And as Francis continues to direct the kids and pick up toys, Donald is talking to her, begging her to be reasonable. She is reasonable, she insists. It's California that is unreasonable.

Sarah: Well, yeah, that makes total sense, obviously. I'm not

Eric: gonna disagree with her, quite frankly. Not these days.

Sarah: Indeed. No. This is 1 of those happy wife, happy life situations. You're just kind of like, Donald is is is is he's heading for trouble here. He's you know?

He just should go along with it for now.

Eric: Well and from the script, there's a there's an aside between Donald and Remington where he Donald tells her, I know her when she gets like this. The same thing happened when we went camping. Drove 200 miles and backed the day because Frances wouldn't stay in the cabin. She thought she saw a bear. Remington.

Well, perhaps she did. In Connecticut?

Sarah: There there aren't bears in Connecticut?

Eric: I well, apparently not. Not according to the script.

Sarah: Fair.

Eric: Anyway

Sarah: There's bears in London, Ontario. Like, we've seen bears here.

Eric: Mhmm.

Sarah: So I don't know. To me, seeing a bear in an urban environment isn't really all that weird because No. We're we're near enough wildlife outside the city that sometimes they do get into the city. Yeah. And even into the suburbs.

Like, there was, 1 time a few years ago where a bear got into the suburbs and had climbed a telephone pole or something like that, and they had to get animal control to shoot a dart to tranquilize it.

Eric: Yeah. Yeah. We've had bear downtown. We in fact, I was just talking to my wife the other day. We were out doing something, and she said she wants to send me the video that she did a couple years back of some bears walking through our side yard and up over a chain link fence.

She wants to who wants me to take some frames out of that and have them printed up as as pictures. And we've had moose in our yard. We've had we have moose downtown from time to time. I mean, it's yeah.

Sarah: We don't have any moose in London because it's a little too south, but we've when we've gone to the East Coast, we've seen moose on the side of the road and stuff like that. So yeah.

Eric: Yeah. Yeah. Years ago, I picked up a passenger in a residential neighborhood. I was driving out toward the main street to, you know, get on the roads to take them to their destination, and just a few houses down from where I picked them up, there it was in somebody's front yard. There was a bear just sitting there kinda chilling out.

Sarah: Yeah. Being a bear?

Eric: Yeah. Just being a bear. Anyway, Laura picks up the battle where Donald had abandoned it. Francis, you're tired. You're upset.

But, no, Francis has had it, telling Laura not to patronize her. After all, she is Laura's older sister. And off to the side, Donald is apologizing to Steele saying he's sure it's just temporary. And with obvious frustration, he continues saying that what he and Francis need is time together, alone, away from the kids, but he just doesn't know how they can swing it right now. Steele purses his lips, then he steps around Donald and calls out, ladies, ladies, listen.

Hold up there a second. Hold up. Francis and Laura raise their heads to look at him. He puts his arm over Donald's shoulder and announces, I have a proposition to make.

Sarah: Oh, steel. And here's the thing. Like, I honestly think he is also trying to help here. I don't think he's intentionally trying to drive Laura around the bend or or tick her off or anything. I think he wants to be and he's again, he's really good with these kids.

Mhmm. So there's a bit of a tone shift when we actually do see them looking after the kids, because then he starts pulling some real some real nonsense. But but I I just I don't know. It just seems really sweet to offer to babysit because he can see that they're struggling. And it's Yeah.

Know, it's nice. Probably wasn't

Eric: quite so sweet of him to volunteer Laura, but then given the amount Oh, that's number given the number of times she's volunteered him to

Sarah: Yeah. Be a That's fair. Yeah.

Eric: Anyway, next, it's night, and it's Laura's loft. But instead of Laura and Steele, it's Donald and Francis. And Francis is carrying a suitcase up to the sleeping platform where Donald is already there unpacking another suitcase and holding up 1 of Francis's nightgowns, leering as he eagerly says, here we are, just you and me. And Francis doesn't respond, so he continues.

Sarah: Would you would you okay. Would you be okay? I would have serious issues knowing that anyone was staying in my house and was going to be having sex in my bed. That would weird me out. That would really weird me out.

Like, Laura obviously, Laura has to know that if if if they're staying in her loft because they need time alone together Mhmm. That that's what's gonna be taking I don't know. It just feels really weird. I'd I'd be clean I'd be changing my sheets the minute I got home,

Eric: for sure. Okay. First of all, yes. I mean, you would you would change the sheets before, you change the sheets after.

Sarah: Yeah. Yeah. But, I mean, you think about it.

Eric: Have you ever gone to a motel and

Sarah: stayed there? They changed the sheets after people stay.

Eric: Right. Well, I mean So You would change the seats here too. How is that any different?

Sarah: I don't know. It's kinda weird. It's kinda weird to know that they're there and they're like, that's not a hotel. Like, hotel room is not your space. This is her bed.

Like, Laura hasn't even had sex in that bed as far as we're aware. Like, since she moved into the loft, she hasn't you know? Well The only 1 who's gotten any action in that bed is Laura's sister.

Eric: Well, maybe Laura figures that, you know, if if Francis gets lucky there, he'll rub off, and she'll get lucky there.

Sarah: I don't know. I was just it's I find it a little weird, but that maybe that's just me. Maybe I don't know. Maybe I'm the

Eric: only 1 with that.

Sarah: Hang on.

Eric: Anyway, Francis doesn't respond, so Donald continues saying, it's kinda nice having an evening alone for a change, don't you think? No kids. No worries. He moves up behind her, but Francis, unmoved by his words and his obvious attempt to get her to relax, and maybe his attempt at sparking an amorous frame of mind, tells him that she should never have agreed to this, and he gently puts his hands on her, assuring her that the kids are fine. They're fine.

That house is not safe, she insists. He slips his hand around her waist and softly asks if she remembers what happened the last time they stayed there.

Sarah: Right. This is my point.

Eric: But, no, she is not about to be seduced. She slaps his hand away defensively demanding that he not touch her. She stops away from him who Donald not reading the room and perhaps thinking that she's playing at not wanting to be touched and wanting the pursuit to really happen, follows her grinningly and jovially says, now Francis.

Sarah: Yeah.

Eric: She turns to face him, stern look on her face, and accuses him of not believing her. And, of course, sincerely and somewhat condescendingly, he insists, of course he believes they're calling her lamb chop. If she says a man died in their kitchen, a man died in their kitchen.

Sarah: I I really do feel as neurotic as she is, I feel bad. I feel really bad for her because she's seen this horrible thing. Nobody believes her. Mhmm. And, yeah, maybe a bit of a boy who cried wolf stuff here, but her husband is more interested in getting her clothes off than than really listening to the fact that she's messed up.

This is a messed up thing to see. And it's scary too, because obviously, the guy was shot Mhmm. That somebody was murdered in nearby in your quiet little supposedly safe neighborhood, and then died on your floor and then disappeared. That's really frightening.

Eric: Well, the the other thing is that setting aside the the amorous intentions Donald has here, just the general attitude of being somewhat condescending and dismissive

Sarah: Yeah.

Eric: In general. I mean, there's ways of saying, well, look. I don't think I I understand you think you saw something, but, obviously, if the man's body wasn't there when we came back, it wasn't what you thought it was. I'm not you know, we're not dismissing what you thought it was. We're just saying that what you thought it was wasn't reflective of reality.

And there's a different way of approaching these types of situations without being demeaning and dismissive.

Sarah: He could validate her emotions even if even if he's not validating what, like, she says she saw.

Eric: Her belief.

Sarah: Yeah. He could say, like you said, he could say that or he could say something like, even if even if you did see what you what you thought you saw, even if it even if a man did die in the kitchen, he's gone now. There's not much I can do about it, but I can make you feel better right now, or I can I can comfort you right now? I can't undo what you saw, or we don't know for sure what you saw because there is no man on the floor now. But I

Eric: understand that any flour thrown over the the kitchen as evidence that something did happen.

Sarah: Yeah. He could just say, I understand you're upset. I can see you're upset, and I'm here for you. Whatever you need. Like, he could do it that way instead of this.

If you say there was a dead body, there was a dead body. Like, yeah. That nobody believe no. You're not fooling anybody there, Donald. Not not a single soul, including Francis.

Francis knows that you don't that you don't believe her and that you think she's overreacting or just stressed or, you know, you're belittling her upset right now. And that's and and even if it was, even if this wasn't an episode where there actually was a murder and there is a dead body, If she's been having all of this emotional stress for the last 3 weeks because they've moved Mhmm. And nobody is acknowledging the fact that she's really not adjusting well. She's she's struggling in a huge way here.

Eric: Right.

Sarah: And and she's kinda played off as comic relief, and that's unfortunate because it can be really difficult, especially for somebody like Francis whose literal life is revolving around as we saw in that first opening sequence, getting the children to school. She had friends. She talks about her friends in the junior league in Connecticut. She had a support circle there. She clearly doesn't have 1 here.

And Donald has his colleagues. He's got a life at work. Laura has her life, and and Francis has just her morning routine.

Eric: So And worse, she has people there that should be her support, Don Yeah. And they're

Sarah: not stepping up, that are just sort of treating her like a problem as opposed to and, you know, I get it. Sounds like she's been manufacturing a few crises, but it also sounds like she kind of has to manufacture crises in order for anybody to listen to her, which is Mhmm. Sad. You know?

Eric: Yeah. As long as it doesn't step over the line into manipulation.

Sarah: No. I don't think Francis, for a second, has been manipulating anybody. I think she's

Eric: just really not sure. I'm just saying in general terms because there are people who exhibit the same kind of behavior, but it's not because of genuine issues. It's because of manipulation.

Sarah: Yeah. No. I don't think that's Frances. I think she's just really had a hard time with this because she doesn't have anything to move to. She's not Mhmm.

Out in the workforce. She's not like, you know, it's hard to build a support circle or or social network when you're not socializing. Mhmm. The closest she's probably gotten is she knows who her neighbors are, obviously, and she is carpooling other people's kids. So she knows some people, but she's not involved in whatever the junior league was.

Do you know what that is? No. Okay. Well, we should probably Google that. Whatever this is junior league?

But, yeah, like, she's not involved in any organizations or groups here.

Eric: Mhmm.

Sarah: Okay. So it's a nonprofit organization over over a 125,000 women across 300 plus chapters in The US, Canada, Mexico, and The UK dedicated to developing women's leadership for community impact through volunteer action. So, yeah, it sounds like she was really involved in her community back in Connecticut. She doesn't have that here. And she doesn't it sounds like she hasn't really had the time to try to go out and make those connections because she's been just so bit like, 3 kids is a lot of freaking work.

That looks tough. I had 1 child, and it feels like there's there's 4 of her. I can't imagine having 3 or 4 or more children like, no. Thank you. That's why we stick with 1.

Anyone who has more than 1 child is a god in my mind because I just could not do it. I don't have the patience. So, yeah, I just feel bad for Frances this whole episode.

Eric: Well, Francis mirrors something you said in your your dissertation there. She tells Donald that she knows that he's just saying that to make her feel better.

Sarah: Yeah.

Eric: And he's just, no. No. No. He knows much better ways of making her feel better as he moves in closer, again, putting his arms around her. And Frances finally gives in, grins slightly, and asks, like what?

And Tom leads forward and whispers into her ear. And from Frances's reaction, we can tell it's delightfully wicked.

Sarah: Well, is it delightfully wicked, or is it wicked for suburban Daniel and or or Donald and and Frances wicked? Like, he did did he say something x rated, or did he say something like PG 13 rated? But she's just like, oh my. And clutching her pearls. You know?

Eric: Well, I'm gonna say it's at least r.

Sarah: Okay. We're looking at an r. Okay. Gotcha.

Eric: She squeals. She smacks his arm with her fist saying, Donald, you are an animal. She begins laughing. And, of course, Donald joins her laughter replying, I

Sarah: know, and you love every minute of it, you little vixen. They are cute. They are a cute little married couple, and I I love the fact that the show is portraying them. They have their problems, obviously, but they genuinely love each other. And at no point do they seem it's not like an eggnog situation where he's going on about how that harpy has told her to how to decorate the tree.

They care about 1 another. It's cute.

Eric: Yeah. Well, he leans into a more intimate pose, but she puts her hands on his shoulders, holding him back in need of 1 last reassurance. She asks if he's sure the kids are alright. They couldn't be in better hands, he assures her, Or maybe not. We're in the Piper Kitchen where Laura, frantic, juggles a pot of spaghetti sauce, which has apparently boiled over the top of the pan at some point Yeah.

And splattered all over the top of the range.

Sarah: How? How? How? I have to I have to know how how you screw up spaghetti this badly. How?

Because even, like, even if you you could go the laziest route ever and just buy the sauce. K? But making the sauce is not that difficult. It's actually really simple. Like, the whole thing is just how?

Don't know. Excuse me. This seems to

Eric: be an idiot. Screw it up. I could screw it up in a heartbeat.

Sarah: I don't know.

Eric: To me That's why I buy my spaghetti sauce in a jar.

Sarah: Oh, see, I make it I make it with, like, 3 I like, I'll buy the the canned sauce. I'll buy the tomato paste, and then I'll I'll get the chopped tomatoes, and then I'll mix it all together, and I'll let it, like, bubble for a little bit. You I've actually made it just from tomatoes. It takes a lot longer if you do it that way because you have to, like, let it let it simmer, but it I don't know. To me, this is easy.

Sauce, meat, some veggies in there, boil some noodles, you're good to go. Like, this is not a hard thing

Eric: to do. Boil that noodle.

Sarah: Oh, that suspect. And I know that Laura asks him this question later on, and he gives her a smug and smarmy response about gender roles, but this really ticks me off. He's a he's a gourmet cook. We know he's a gourmet cook. There is literally no reason why he couldn't make dinner and why he's leaving this to her.

I other than he wants to play with the kids. That is the only thing that I can think of that is is causing him to to be the 1 that or he could have made it with her. I mean, the kids can entertain themselves. They're old enough. Right?

He could have helped her out a bit. Like, it just feels like he sort of leaves her to twist in the wind when it comes to the babysitting situation. And he he says, I'm jumping ahead, but when she calls him on the whole dinner slash burnt toast aspect of things, he says, mustn't confuse the gender roles. But this I don't know. This is the thing that kind of bothers me about this because he he first of all, he has no gender roles to to speak of in terms of, like, his upbringing, unless he's, like, looking at the various households that have taken him in.

But, also, is he just going by what he's seen on TV as as what a marriage

Eric: looks like for We're we're jumping ahead, obviously, on this, but I think we see we see a hint of this in the next morning's scenes. Because in the kitchen, there's a whiteboard with various chores. And I think it's it's a weak it's a weak argument on his part.

Sarah: Oh, yeah.

Eric: But I think what he's he's arguing is, look. These kids have parents who have defined roles within their family. This is what they've chosen. Dad does this. Mom does this.

And so he's looking at it and saying, well, we don't wanna confuse the kids because we don't want to present to them something that they're gonna have difficulty dealing with because it's not the norm that they expect.

Sarah: As I said,

Eric: it's a weak argument on his part. But

Sarah: an excuse to get out of making breakfast.

Eric: Well, it is. It is. But, you know, any point of storm

Sarah: I I will say that the the eighties was a bit of a transition period in the sense that there were still a lot of, like, what you would co call, quote, unquote, traditional families where you

Eric: had thought you meant a transition from leaving good music behind to into crap music. But okay.

Sarah: I like eighties music. That's that's

Eric: rude. I said it was a transition. Nineties was crap.

Sarah: Oh, no. You did not you did not just come from my nineties. No. Okay. That's gloves are off.

That's it. Jersey, you know, the whole anyway. No. I I think this was a an interesting time period in terms of of family structures because you had a lot of you still had a lot of quote, unquote nuclear families where dad goes off to work, mom stays at home. But you also had a lot of, like, if I remember correctly, the divorce rate was rising.

So there were a lot of mixed households, in which case, you know, if you've got a single parent on either end of things, they're gonna be doing double duty. And then you also had, like, 2 income households, a lot more of the 2 income households where both parents are working. Hence, the latchkey kid phenomenon that sort of permeates the Gen X slash elder millennials experience growing up. And I think this was, you know, mister Steele kind of jokingly commenting on on mustn't confuse the gender roles, but, you know, I it's a bit silly because they've been con this whole show has been confusing the gender roles. That's the whole point.

Laura is making up a fake boss because no 1 takes her seriously. He's the 1 that's the really good cook, which, you know, theoretically is is the the realm of the woman's department. It's it's Mhmm. You know, it's it's a weak as you said, it's a weak excuse, but it it it's a interesting way of pointing out that in my mind, I think that he I think this is his television view of what marriage is. He's never seen an actual family dynamic because he hasn't had 1.

And so for him, I love Lucy, all of those shows, like, he's not a TV person, but it's in movies too. Right? Where Right. The dad does this, the mom does this. And I think he finds maybe some comfort in this idea that this is what this is what it looks like.

He's seeing Donald and and Francis as this happy suburban family. And, yeah, they've these roles. I grew up in a very different situation in the sense that when I was really, really young, my dad worked, and I don't think my mom did or she she had some jobs, but not like, she she was around a lot more. And then when I was about 8 or 9, my dad, he drove, the he Greyhound and eventually the city bus, and he broke his back coming off the bus. Somebody had left a pop can on the stairs, and he slipped.

And so he ended up having me go off work. He couldn't he was his back was done. Mhmm. And he had workers' compensation and and a pension and all that stuff for the rest of his life pretty much. And so he was the 1 that was my mom went to work.

He stayed home and braided our hair, made us our lunches, took us to school. He was the guy that showed up to do the volunteer work at school and did the, you know, so for me, my experience growing up was that mom went to work and dad stayed home. And so, you know, to me, that was the I don't know that it would confuse the kids all this all that much without their parents.

Eric: I I think that's the excuse Steele was using. And like I said, it's a weak excuse. And playing into what you said, it could be the excuse he's using to

Sarah: Get out of doing the work.

Eric: No. Well, yes. But no. I mean, he like you said, he's seen TV families, and the mom does this and the dad does this. And he's using this as an opportunity.

He obviously, he had fun with the kids at the office that day.

Sarah: Yeah. Oh, he did. He had a great time.

Eric: Well, this is his chance. You know, Laura gets to play with these kids a lot more than he'll ever get the chance to, so this is his chance. He had fun. Let's just continue the fun, and I'll use this as an excuse. Maybe I believe it kind of, but maybe not.

Maybe it's just more of an excuse, but that's the 1 that we used so that I can spend time playing with the kids because I had fun doing that. I'm enjoying this.

Sarah: When he comes in, he's got weird little paper fangs in his mouth, which I found rather amusing. Like

Eric: Or those plastic glow in the dark ones, yeah, from the, like, jump.

Sarah: I would like to just put a pin in something right now for for future reference for season 5. Okay? This episode Mhmm. I think sets up a lot of stuff that we are going to have issues with in season 5, And I'm not gonna say anymore. I'll I'll come back to it when we get there.

But I think this episode

Eric: we're gonna have issues with?

Sarah: Like, that we're gonna kinda break down. I I don't wanna say anymore. We'll get there when we get there, but, I think this episode gives us a window into some of the some of the things that frustrate us about season 5.

Eric: Okay. Yeah. Interesting.

Sarah: Anyway, back to all the special spaghetti.

Eric: Yes. Let's see. Where were we? Yes. Splattered all over the top of the range.

Utensils have been abandoned in the pan with 1 being nearly completely submerged. Laura turns the burner off, reaches inside to pull out the ladle using her thumb and forefinger to

Sarah: try lose it. I I just don't understand how this went so wrong.

Eric: She burns her fingers on the red goo, and then holding the handle covered by sauce with her forefinger and thumb, she begins she begin you still using her forefinger and thumb, she begins to ladle the sauce into a serving bowl.

Sarah: Yeah. Well, the the serving bowl is what kills me too. Why not just bring all the dishes over to the counter and save yourself the dish?

Eric: Yeah. Or take the the pot

Sarah: Over there.

Eric: We have to know

Sarah: it's pretty heavy, though. I was like, also, that pot? Holy crap. Holy shit.

Eric: A lot more sauce

Sarah: than they needed. Are you feeding a small army? There's 3 children.

Eric: Well, may maybe she got Frances's cookbook Cooking for Armies.

Sarah: You could live off those leftovers for a month.

Eric: Yeah. You know, nothing wrong with that. Leftovers are good. Where will we guess this? She pulls pulls out the ladle, goo goo sauce, ladling.

Okay. Steele over at the door to comes through the door from the living room and with a set of play fangs in his mouth, as we mentioned, and he commands Danny to put his sister down. Well, after Danny's apparent compliance, Steel turns and walks toward the Kinshed Peninsula and Laura. And as he does so, he tosses the plastic fangs onto a hutch. And as he reaches the peninsula, he reaches into his shirt and pulls out what?

A wadded kitchen apron?

Sarah: I I yeah. I'm not sure what he's got in there.

Eric: Whatever it is, he tosses it onto the countertop, and Laura hands him the crock of spaghetti sauce and grabs a colander of need of needles grabs a colander of noodles and takes them over to the table and begins plating the food with the noodles while steel follows behind with the sauce. Those noodles looked a bit gummy to me.

Sarah: Yeah. Like, okay. I could sort of get how you can screw up noodles if you leave them in the like, boiling too long. They'll get, like, sticky and and gross, but I don't know how you screw up the sauce. I just anyway.

Know ye of little faith.

Eric: Anyway, Laura demands that Steele remind her just exactly what they're doing there. And he says, well, to put it simply, miss Holt, unless we can convince Francis beyond the shadow of a doubt that nothing is amiss in Tarzana, we may have to start a daycare center here on a permanent basis. And suspiciously, Laura asks, why all this sudden concern about my family? And confused maybe about her lack of comprehension and suspicions of his motives, he asks, Then says he just wants to help.

Sarah: I think he really does. I I do believe that. I think he, you know, kinda takes advantage in this particular babysitting situation, but he honestly was trying to help. There there's there's helping, and then there's Volunteering? Yeah.

Yeah. I wanna help. You do it. Yeah. Exactly.

Eric: You know? So, anyway, then Laura raises her head and yells at the kids, but directly into Steel's ear. Dinner's ready. And Steele jerks his head away from the pain, the screaming in his ear, and inquires if she really must drink like that the whole time. Well, the kids run-in, seat themselves at the table as Steele encourages them.

Look what auntie Laura has made for us. Doesn't it look scrumptious? And Mindy first, then Danny wine strands and more like clumps of spaghetti around

Sarah: their forks. Comes right up on his fork.

Eric: And lift them to inspect them. Pete Danny goes, holy Pete. Danny, don't play with your food, Laura admonishes. It's managing to sound a bit like Francis.

Sarah: Yeah. Yeah. She does.

Eric: Mindy frowns complaining that mommy's spaghetti doesn't look like this, and Steele tries to persuade the kids that different doesn't mean bad and, you know, maybe perhaps salvage Laura's culinary reputation by kneeling down next to Lori Beth and responding to Mindy's complaint by explaining that this is special spaghetti. Yeah. And he takes the fork from Lori Beth and shovels a mouthful of noodles and sauce into his mouth, making the appreciative noises that he's expected to give. And then mouthful, mumbles, yummy, yummy. Mindy frowns and says she thinks she's allergic to special spaghetti.

And Danny follows suit. And of course, not to be left out, Lori Beth mimics the older 2. What's for dessert? Mindy inquires. You haven't eaten your dinner.

You don't get dessert. But no No. Mouthful, Steele says, well, what about pizza?

Sarah: I would murder him. If I were Laura, I would straight up take a pillow and him in his sleep because she has just spent all this presumably a lot of time making the spaghetti. Whether or not it tastes good is up for debate. It doesn't look like it's all that appetizing, but, like, he doesn't even give it a breath. He doesn't even attempt to get the kids to eat the food.

It literally is just, I'm allergic to special spaghetti. Okay. We're gonna throw all that work that she did out the window, and why not just order pizza in the first damn place?

Eric: Well, that would have been an option. But the other thing is that just because something doesn't look good doesn't mean doesn't taste good.

Sarah: It could. Like, again, I I ask how hard it is to scrub spaghetti. But either way, like, even if it tasted awful, they'd they'd literally picked at it. Not 1 of them tried.

Eric: Really tasted. Yeah.

Sarah: So I would've I would've made a you know, we're I'm not we're not getting any I'm not saying I'd starve the kids if they're really not gonna eat it. You feed them something, but I wouldn't be ordering the pizza. I would it would be like, okay. Toast and cereal, I guess, is your dinner because, you know, like, we'll we'll eat what it we're not making anything else. I certainly wouldn't be ordering more food.

So Yeah.

Eric: Well, Laura obviously didn't take well to it either because as the kids cheer, Laura, who's sitting at the far end of the table, working on her plate of food, rolls her eyes and standing. Steele enthusiastically says, what kind of pizza? As he begins to dial the phone. Pepperoni, Danny hollers. Sausage, Mindy hollers.

Pineapple, chimes in Laurie Beth. Steele freezes. Looks at Lori Beth blankly and then repeats question in the pineapple?

Sarah: Fun fact. Okay. Despite its tropical name, Hawaiian pizza is Canadian. So, the pineapple laden pie That's that's

Eric: a question.

Sarah: Yeah. No. No. It is. Is the brainchild of retired cook, Sam Panopoulos, who first served pineapple and pizza at a satellite restaurant in Chatham, which is about an hour away from me.

So by the mid sixties, and I've I've found the history of this because I remembered somebody saying this, satellite restaurant now under different ownership had been serving pizza for a few years, although Panopolis now '82 says the dish was still a novelty for Canadians who at the time topped their pies conservatively. People only put on mushroom, bacon, and pepperoni. That's all, says Panopolis. I had pineapple in the restaurant. I put some on, and I shared it with some customers, they liked it.

We started serving it that way. For a long time, they were the only ones serving it. As we know today, Hawaiian pizza is a classic American style cheese pizza topped with ham and pineapple. Variations may include bacon in place of or in addition to the ham, but Panopolis says that his major contribution was simply adding the pineapple. You could have only pineapple.

You could have bacon and pineapple. You could have mushroom, bacon, anything just like today, but you could have the choice. Panopolis enjoyed a certain amount of media attention over the last few years, but the pizza claim overshadows what may actually be Panopolis' most enduring legacy, a passion for introducing diverse flavors to Canadian diners. In the early sixties, says Panopolis, pizza was considered ethnic food and Italian American curiosity that adventurous Canadians would try when they crossed the border. Back then, Panopolis would drive to Detroit for a taste of the cheese top pie.

Then we bought a little oven and learned how to make pizza. Panopolis didn't stop with pizza. Over the years, the satellite restaurant introduced a variety of novel flavors Chatham residents, like Chinese food prepared by a Chinese cook and dishes from Panopolis' native Greece. Today, you can go to a Chinese place and have a chicken salad. That Thai place that would give you something else.

But in those days, there was no way you could mix the flavors. So, yeah, for those of you who like pineapple on your pizza, you're welcome. For those of you who think it's disgusting, we're sorry.

Eric: I don't have a problem with it. In fact, pineapple and pepperoni, good.

Sarah: Yeah. I mean, I don't mind it. I I like, it's not something that I'll I usually orders, like, intentionally, but if it's on there, I'm not gonna be, like, gagging. We'll all eat it. But, yeah, that's we you have us to thank for that.

So

Eric: I mean, around the world in various places, the toppings that are put on pizzas are widely diverse.

Sarah: Oh, for sure.

Eric: Yeah. In places like well, it's appropriate to the episode of Japan, they put entirely different things on the top of a pizza, but it's still a pizza. So but yeah. Yep. Anyway, where were we?

Yes. So Steele orders the pizza and asks if there's anything that Laura wants, And she hotly responds that she thinks she'll have her spaghetti. Thank you. And How

Sarah: much how much you wanna bet she waited for everybody to go to sleep and then ate whatever was left over of the pizza?

Eric: Well, she she lifts a bite to her mouth, but as she begins to chew and taste, she scowls. So Yeah. She does not have she's not a fan of special pizza either or special spaghetti Well, we see momentarily outside of the house, there's a car parked across the street. It's dark, and a man sits inside. We see the mustached man's face, and then we see a gun with a silencer on the seat next to him.

Actually, a suppressor, but it's called a silencer.

Sarah: I was just gonna I was waiting for that. I was waiting for

Eric: Popular myth.

Sarah: Yes. Sorry.

Eric: Anyway, back from a commercial break. It's morning at the Piper House, and the best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup. It's actually good coffee. But, anyway, we get close, we get a close-up of 4 slices of toast popping up from the toaster.

Sarah: Do you screw up toast? How? Does she never cook for herself? Like, does she

Eric: 1 of those people that could burn water.

Sarah: How do but how does she eat is my question? Because toast

Eric: Take out. Take

Sarah: bread. Put no. But we've seen her cooking in her in her lawn. We've take bread, put in toaster, put down, pop up. It's not set setting.

Eric: Been the toaster's fault. It could have been the toaster's fault. Mean, some of if your toaster's acting up, it it will, you know, overcook if if the timer's not working correctly or or whatever.

Sarah: We saw Francis juggling it all. I think this is obviously, this is visual shorthand to show that Francis this is she's a well oiled machine when it comes to getting her kids, you know, feeding her kids, doing all the stuff that this is this is Francis' realm. This is what she does. It's what she's good at. And Laura, obviously, I'm sure you know, maybe it it's the fact that she's trying to cook for 3 children It's the stress.

And herself. Yes. And she's just stressed, and she's not used to this. This is not where she shines. It's not her thing.

No. So yeah.

Eric: Well, we see a harried Laura at the counter. She's holding a knife and a spoon between her teeth, reaching over to pluck up the burnt toast with 1 hand, and in the other hand, she holds a jug of milk as she uses her arm to hold a couple boxes of cereal and 4 bowls to her side. She walks over to the table, dropping the toast onto the tabletop. Mindy looks at the toast in horror, and then with a cry in her voice bemoans the fact that she thinks she's now allergic to toast.

Sarah: To toast.

Eric: Laura freezes and with a put out well, of course you are. Could this day start any worse look on her face? And then here we have what I might call a prop boo boo, and you and I have already discussed this. 1 of the boxes is called Animal Puffs, your typical fake brand that you might expect to see on a box of cereal in TV show or movie. But the other box is labeled Crispy Critters, which is the name of a real cereal, which is, I think, potentially a huge boo boo and could have could have, I think, gotten ugly legally.

Crispy Critters was a post cereal from the 19 sixties known for its sweetened animal shaped oat pieces and its mascot Linus the lionhearted and was later rebooted in 1987 with a furry mascot named Crispy, but discontinued again after the lust sweet version failed. The original version featured catchy jingles with and was popular with kids and was a popular kid's cereal before fading with, again, its revival in the late eighties, not quite capturing the original success. And compounding the error of using an actual product name is the fact that the lettering here on the box mimics the exact lettering that was used in the very earliest packaging of the real cereal. So I think if they didn't get sued for that, they they dodged a bullet.

Sarah: So so I I've I've googled this because I was curious because I always thought that product placement was something that you that the that the companies paid you for. Like, if it was your TV show or your movie that they paid you.

Eric: You can have a paid product placement. Yes. But if if the company isn't choosing to do that and if you use a real brand name or want to, you have to get the company's permission to use that brand name. So

Sarah: is it so is what you're saying that the that it's not, like, the actual box? So they've, like, recreated the box, but it's not the actual

Eric: The the layout of the packaging is different. It doesn't have the same illustration, but has the same Okay. Product name. It's the same it's the same lettering as the actual product name.

Sarah: Right. Okay.

Eric: It's it's like if you were to, say, take a make a fake TV for a set. Yeah. And you put the name Sony across the top of it, but it doesn't look like a Sony TV exactly, but it's got the Sony logo on it.

Sarah: Yeah. I get

Eric: it. It's

Sarah: kinda Okay. I'll be So

Eric: yeah. I mean, I think I think there were some lawyers at Post who either didn't have very sharp eyes or they just kind of said, oh, what's the big deal?

Sarah: Fair enough.

Eric: But, yeah, it could have been a boo boo. And if somebody wants to see what I'm talking about, I will have links No. In the show notes to a couple of YouTube videos that show early commercials of this, and you will see that the lettering and the product name is exactly the same. It's just the rest of the packaging is different. Anyway, with a sigh, Laura empties her hands, arms in her mouth, and then picks up the offending boxes of cereal, plops it down in front of Mindy, and in a frosty tone tells the girl, fine.

Then you can have some cereal. And that's in reference to her being allergic to toast.

Sarah: To toast. Yes.

Eric: Yes. And then she gives an overly enthusiastic but still somehow sarcastic, yay. Well, Danny groans that he hates cereal. And with a stifled anger and frustration, Laura insists that cereal is good for you. It has It's

Sarah: not good for it's literally like cart you're reading cardboard, but hey. Yeah. Especially the the treat cereals are just full of sugar. Like, there's not a lot of do you know why cornflakes was invented? Do you know the the I don't know if I can actually say this on a podcast, but

Eric: I I oh, let's see. Know that not not granola. The small crunchy bits that like, you use in granola, that cereal. What's the name of it? It it there was it's it's a a current cereal, and I can't think of the name of it, but it's the the little small hard granules that will destroy

Sarah: your harvest crunch?

Eric: No. No. No. No. It's really small pieces.

Sarah: Okay. Like bran flake? Like, those bran things?

Eric: No. It's it's not a flake. But, anyway, it's it's it was originally created as a health cold health breakfast.

Sarah: Okay. So cornflakes were developed by Doctor. John Harvey Kellogg Mhmm. As part of his mission to suppress sexual desire, particularly self love. Yeah.

No. Okay. So you didn't know this. Alright. So this is this is this is this kills me because this is legit.

Like, this is he wanted to promote bland foods to reduce bodily arousal, though they weren't explicitly marketed as a cure. And his brother will later added sugar to make them more commercially successful. He he was a Seventh day Adventist and physician and believed that self love was a significant cause of various physical and mental ailments, including insanity and was a vile practice. So he, advocated for a vegetarian high fiber diet believing bland foods would reduce sexual excitement while spicy or rich foods encourage lust. So they created toasted cornflakes from rolled corn as a bland food for patients at the Battle Creek Sanitarium.

Mhmm. The goal was to prevent provide an understimulating breakfast that would align with his health regimen and discourage sexual purchase. Will Kellogg saw the products potential begin marketing it outside the sanitarium, adding sugar against John's wishes to appeal to a wider audience, creating the famous Kellogg's brand we know today. So there you go. Cornflakes.

Yeah. Anyway.

Eric: You know, it's gonna bug me until I remember what the brand name of that cereal is.

Sarah: All brand? Was it all brand? Those, like, little pellets that look like okay. When you remember, you let us know.

Eric: No. It's it comes in a little box, and it's really, really heavy for its weight. And Grape Nuts.

Sarah: Oh, okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Eric: Yeah. I guess it is Kellogg. I was thinking it was a post no. It is post product. But, yeah, Grape Nuts was supposed to be, again, another healthy cold breakfast food.

But, yeah, I mean, it's really hard on your gums. So, anyway, where were we? Yes. Mindy stands looking nauseous and rhetorically asks if she can be excused, but then without waiting for permission, gets up and runs out of the room. Well, Danny and Lori Beth quickly follow suit with Laura calling after them that they leave in 5 minutes.

And, of course, as they are leaving, Steele enters, tying his tie, cheerfully greeting the children.

Sarah: Did he sleep there?

Eric: It would look like it.

Sarah: Because I get the impression he slept he stayed there. Yeah. And and it felt

Eric: seems that way.

Sarah: Where? Like, where did he sleep?

Eric: I guess, apparently.

Sarah: Does this does this fit the the theory that they are sleeping together? Because

Eric: Well, as long as they've hung a sheet between them on the bed.

Sarah: Yeah. I mean, I don't know. I'm just wondering where he stayed. Yep. Anyway.

Eric: Anyway, as he walks behind Laura, she turns, slice of toast that she has just burned and buttered in her hands.

Sarah: Charred beyond recognition.

Eric: Yes. But she's buttered it. She turns to him and sourly tells him that it was so good of him to join them. And, of course, Steele totally ignorant. He says, ah, yes.

Thank you. Slept like the proverbial baby. And she holds the toast out for him and he looks at it, takes the slice in hand, and pronounces it the charred remains of his breakfast. He tosses it on the table and walks over to the counter. And with barely controlled anger, Lord demands to know that since he's the gourmet cook, why didn't he get up at the crack of dawn and fix breakfast?

Sarah: Good question.

Eric: And as he reaches for the coffee pot to pour himself a morning cup, he points out the whiteboard hanging on the wall behind him, informing her that it's all spelled out in the master plan. Morning chores. Mummy cooks breakfast. Mummy drives the carpool. Daddy dumps the garbage.

And he grins triumphantly and with an air of arrogantly scholarly superiority explains that they mustn't confuse the role models of children at that tender age.

Sarah: He forgot the the bit at the bottom that says mommy murders daddy, or in this case, Laura murders Remington because she's this close to taking us out.

Eric: Well, Laura says, fine, in somewhat defiant resignation. And she takes off her apron and says, I'll take the children to school. You dump the garbage, and then we're getting out of this zoo. Now she throws the apron down on the counter and stomps out of the kitchen toward the back door as Steele raises his cup of coffee, then scowls down at it. Apparently, he could smell that it wasn't his flavor.

Sarah: Or

Eric: Laura made coffee that is just basically hot Yeah. Colored

Sarah: We've had I think that we've had this running joke before with Laura and coffee. So, apparently, she can't do coffee, toast, or spaghetti.

Eric: Well, you know and so many people, I think we may have mentioned this before, make coffee

Sarah: Way, way, way, way, way, way too weak or way too strong. Yeah. They wanna try and make

Eric: it so it pleases everybody and doesn't, you know, doesn't doesn't taste bad for anybody. And, of course, nobody's happy with it because it's either too strong or too weak. Just make it really, really strong, and then if you want it weak, you can dilute it to be what you want. And then everybody's happy, really happy. Yeah.

Anyway, next, Laura's out in the driveway hollering for Danny to get out there, and they need to leave. He comes running out, runs around the front of the car, and then gets into the front passenger seat. Obviously, Francis, like so many parents, has not taught children that when a car is going to be going forward in the immediate future, you go behind it.

Sarah: Yeah. Well, it's funny because, like, you know, watching this now. Mhmm. You're watching all these things that are are sort of safety no no's. And and, again, not that different times, different knowledge of what is safe and what isn't safe.

At least 2 of those kids would still be in a car seat or a booster, because, like, height restrictions and requirements. Lori Beth, for sure, and possibly Danny, depending on how tall he is Mhmm. Would be in a booster.

Eric: Height and weight, I think, are are 2 criteria that some places use.

Sarah: And age, depending on, like again, for us, like, Kira Kira just literally, we just had she's gonna be 10 in a month, and we only a few like, summertime, we finally did away with her her booster. Mhmm. Because she's for us, it's you have to be I think it's 8 years old or a certain height and weight, and she's she's never gonna she's never gonna make the weight requirement until she's, like, 12 because she's, like, super skinny. But height wise, this kid's 4 foot 11. She's almost 5 feet tall.

She's well outside the range of her her booster seat, and they have to meet what's called a 5 step test. So essentially, they have to be seated. Their back has to be against the the seat. Right? And they're they have to be able to sit flat footed with their knees bent in the back of the car and the belt has to go across their chest and across their waist like sitting at the hips.

And that's basically when you know they're ready to be out of the booster.

Eric: Okay. I can understand most of those. I don't understand the ability to sit flat footed.

Sarah: Well, it's mainly because, like, if your feet are dangling or something like that, you are not able to withstand like, your feet are gonna brace you if there's an impact. So if your feet are dangling or

Eric: not, you're not quite tolerable

Sarah: properly, this is this is what they've observed with, like, crash test dummies and whatever. So Well,

Eric: crash test dummies don't behave like real people do. Those are only designed to measure forces, not not re responsive reactions.

Sarah: It's more to do with sorry.

Eric: If you if you get hit, you're in a car and you suddenly get hit, you're not gonna be, oh, I need to put my feet on the floor and hold myself in place. It's you're gonna just you're not gonna do that. You're just gonna sit there and be surprised and deal with the impact of the airbag blowing up in your face.

Sarah: Well, there's I mean, not in the back. No airbags in the back. So

Eric: Don't most cars have side impact airbags for the back seat

Sarah: now? Not well, not mine. Plus, it's been actually know because they're they're again, airbags are not say, like, this is another thing. None of those kids would be allowed to sit in the front seat

Eric: Mhmm.

Sarah: Now because you're not allowed to sit in the front seat until you're 13, or at least here in Ontario, because the airbag if if you get in a crash, the impact of the airbag is going to be such that it could break bones for small children.

Eric: Well, certainly from from a front front Yeah. Airbag, but I I didn't think the side airbag was was an issue. Anyway

Sarah: So yeah. Anyway, so, like, I'm watching this. And, again, this is just different time period. Right? So Danny gets in the front seat.

I would've sat in the front seat too. You know? I called shotgun all the time, but, like but, yeah, so, like, cure it.

Eric: I get so annoyed when I'm I'm trying to pull out of a parking lot and somebody walks up or they ride their bike. They can see I'm getting ready to pull out, and good safety says you walk behind the car. But, no, they gotta walk right in front of the car. She's like, did your mom have any children that lived? Anyway, yes, Danny gets in the front seat.

Laura begins driving away, and Steele comes out of the side of the house, large garbage sack in hand, waving and calling, bye, to the children. He goes through the gate to where the garbage cans are, removes the lid from 1 of the cans to place the bag inside, but there's no room. It seems there's a body filling

Sarah: it up.

Eric: And he looks at it a moment and then mimics Danny. Holy Pete. Well, next we see Donald and Francis driving home. She is in the passenger seat leaning into Donald, her hand affectionately draped over his shoulder. And Donald is crowing, bragging that he knew that all they needed was a little time alone, a little time to talk things over, a little time to Francis giggles, Don laughs, and they are all smiles.

Sarah: He's pretty proud of himself. So

Eric: Hey. I would be too. I mean, at this point, I would be I would be really proud of myself too.

Sarah: Too much information. Anyway. It's cute. It's the 2 of them are cute.

Eric: Yes. Their smiles begin to fade as they approach their house. And then their faces turn shocked, and Francis cries out in horror. Their house is surrounded by police cars and officers. A coroner's wagon is in the driveway, and a body is being wheeled out on a gurney.

And as they get out of their car, the entire scene is being witnessed by the mustached man we saw the night before.

Sarah: I to that Francis has probably a good week's worth of I told you sos. You know? Like, that like, there's a

Eric: good week she's gonna limit it to a week?

Sarah: I mean, just the whole the fact that they were so condescending and so patronizing and just oh, they're there. You know? I just you know, she can she can leverage this with Donald. That's all I'm saying. You know?

She's she's

Eric: gonna keep it alive. I mean, actively alive, front and center for a good month. And then after that, the rest of her life, it's it's gonna be out there.

Sarah: That time there was a dead body in our kitchen if you didn't believe me? That was 20 years ago. Yeah. I would 1000%, that would be going in the bank for for later.

Eric: Well, any way, mister Mustache turns. He gets into his car and then starts it and drives away. Next in Steele's office, Laura is expressing her displeasure with Steele. I leave you alone for 5 minutes, and look what happens.

Sarah: Come on. Laura? Yes. He didn't

Eric: kill the guy. He didn't stuff the guy in the garbage can. I mean

Sarah: He literally just did what he was supposed to do per the chart.

Eric: He That's right. I mean, that should be revenge on her. You know? Good. You you had to deal with this.

Sarah: I did what you asked me. You know? You this this is what you get for asking me to take out the trash.

Eric: No. No, Laura. Because, see, this is what you get for making me fix breakfast and take the kids to school. You could have done some of this, but no.

Sarah: Yeah. Yeah.

Eric: Fair. Now you have to deal with the body.

Sarah: You get the dead body. Yeah. That's fair.

Eric: Anyway, Frances is in a chair crying again. Laura rounds the chair and takes a seat on the couch, and in a light tone, trying to casually explain the situation to Francis, says that it appears that someone, most likely the killer, trailed the victim and dumped him in the Piper's trash. Panic begins to rise in Frances as she repeats and comprehends. Killer? You're saying that there was a killer in my kitchen?

Steele waves his hand as if dismissing the whole thing. Only long enough to clean up, he assures her.

Sarah: I see. So and this is again, Robin Bernheim is so good with this stuff because she's she's giving us this very clear divide in in such a subtle way because Laura is casually laying out the facts of the case as she sees it. To her, it is a case. It is they deal with cases all the time where there's dead people They in found a dead guy in a bathtub. They found a dead guy in a in a fridge.

Like, there's this is this happens, you know, at least in Laura's world. Whereas in Francis' world, it's not just that there was a killer, but there was a killer in her home. There was a and where her children sleep, where she sleeps. She has not had to deal with anything of this, like, violent nature that we know of. In her world, her world has been safe and happy and cozy and suburban and as the title would suggest.

And and she's a a happy housewife who loves her husband and has 3 kids. Like, she's this is terrifying. I would be terrified to know that somebody was murdered near my home and then died on my kitchen, and then the killer stay stuck around long enough to clean up. I mean, on the 1 hand, thanks. But on the other hand, yeah.

Yeah. So, it's just a really good way of illustrating how very different, like, their lives are. Mhmm. And with no judgment, with no like, it it's not even, like, hanging a sign over us as the viewer is saying, look at how different these 2 sisters are. It's literally just like, Laura's trying to do her job, and Francis is like, what is going on here?

I'm not okay with this.

Eric: Right. Yeah. So anyway, Laura continues trying to console Francis by explaining that, well, if they're right, it would be mere coincidence that the dead body ended up in her house. Precisely, Steele expounds. The man was shot nearby and merely chose to expire on your linoleum.

Sarah: How rude.

Eric: Yeah. And, of course, Laura concludes, you you probably have nothing to worry about. Probably? Excuse me? Yeah.

And, of course, the yeah. Francis picks up on it and says, well, that's easy for you to say. And then she cries about how could Donald leave her to go teach at a time like this? And Laura spits out in exasperation, you told him to go. And then with classic wife logic, Francis defends herself by saying, well, he didn't have to listen to me.

Sarah: Okay. I'm gonna I'm gonna say that this is not everybody because this would drive me nuts too. This would drive me bonkers to to to say, yeah. Go ahead. I'm I'm fine.

And then to turn around and be like, well, they didn't have to listen. Like, yeah. You can't really You want him to stay behind, and you say, no. Honey, I'm not okay. And this is maybe part of the reason why Frances has been in such a crisis for the last 3 weeks because I have a feeling she's been trying to hold it all together and telling Donald that she's fine and go ahead to work and and everything's okay.

And I'm, you know, and then calling Laura when she has panic moments or what have you. But, like, if if you're really not okay, like, if you're emotionally distressed, and clearly she is, who wouldn't be if somebody died from a gunshot wound on your floor, and then the killer came into your home and did some, like

Eric: House cleaning.

Sarah: House cleaning. Yeah. I'd be freaked out too.

Eric: Well, of course, she may be upset that the the killer didn't clean the inside of the oven.

Sarah: Yeah. Well, she was scrubbing it a little when she had her little breakdown earlier. But, like, just to say, like, I'm not okay. Could you take today off? Could you stay home with me, please?

Because You know what, though? You know? Like

Eric: It doesn't matter what she said. Donald should have stayed at home, period. End of discussion. It doesn't matter what she says. It doesn't matter how much she assures you.

You need to stay there with her.

Sarah: Yeah. There's a communication breakdown on both sides because she's saying, no. No, honey. I'm fine. And he's like, cool.

Goodbye. Have a nice day. And he's leaving. Right?

Eric: And she's like, communication breakdown as far as I'm concerned. That's that has nothing to do with communication. That has to do with him not being caring enough to stay with her when she needs him there.

Sarah: Yeah. And I think it's maybe 1 of those situations where, again, like, they they have their own little worlds that they dominate. He has work and she has home. And I wonder if they talk much about that because, obviously, I don't think they do. I don't think she talks to him much about how difficult she finds things, and he probably doesn't talk to her much about how difficult it is for him at work because Mhmm.

He probably assumes she's not gonna understand what his life is like, and she probably assumes that he won't understand what her life is like. And there's maybe not much attempt to meet in the middle. And for you're right. Like, for him to see how upset she is, even even just on an instinctive level. You know, she's saying, no.

You you go to work. I'm fine. Like, that's not fine. She's not fine. Mm-mm.

No. Stay home. No. Stay home. Say, even if you are fine, you know what?

I'm not Pretending you're not fine. Stay home anyway. Yeah. But, yeah, don't tell them to go to work if you're not and say you're fine if you're not fine. Both of you need to, like, look at the other human being and see what what their body language is telling you because Well yeah.

I think that that's the problem. Yeah.

Eric: Anyway. Well, anyway, as Laura huffs, Mildred walks in informing them that there's no word yet on the dead man's ID. And in the background, through the open door to the reception, we see these 3 Japanese visitors. And mister Takahamo is peering. He's leaning over to peer in and take a better look at Laura's legs, I'm sure.

Sarah: Yeah.

Eric: Laura cautiously waves back at him as she sees him looking her direction. And then through gritted teeth, so as to make it not so apparent that she's talking, asks Mildred, what are they doing here? Mildred says she thought she'd take them to the polo lounge for lunch before they catch their plane, she says. Still admits that, yes, Mildred, that's an admirable sentiment. Know, heads across the sea and all that, but they're gonna need her to find out who this dead man is.

And a voice from the doorway says, try Felix Melcher. And at the voice, Mildred turns and exclaims, bumpers. Krebs, he returns. They come together and they hug with Mildred asking

Sarah: him, what

Eric: is he doing there? Yeah. He he's he's a cool guy.

Sarah: I yeah. I just Mildred gets a lot of like, we don't really

Eric: She she has a lot of action going on.

Sarah: She she sees a lot of yeah. Because there's been the the sheriff in Corn fed. Mhmm. You know, she, be fair, got tricked in in that 1 episode, but there was still a little bit of a a romance going on there. There was the the cat burglar, LaRenard.

Like, she you know, hoping it's around. She's still got it.

Eric: Well, anyway, Bumper says that he's at headquarters now on special assignment. And Laura and Steele stand and move over toward Mildred and the stranger. And Laura asks, well, who is he? Man pulls out a badge and introduces himself as Harrison Bumpers, IRS fraud squad Mildred adds.

Sarah: Nice.

Eric: Krebby and I go way back, he says. And Steele says, well, we're very delighted for both of you, but what is this about the dead man? His name is Felix Melcher, Bumper explains. He was on a deep cover assignment trying to nail a snake by the name of Ted Warner. And Milcher says, the same Ted Warner that used to operate on the East Coast?

Bumper's grins at Mildred, complimenting her on her memory, noting that she hasn't lost a step. Who is Ted Warner? Laura asks. King of the pyramid schemes, Bumper explains. Always moves on before the government moves in.

He resurfaced about a year ago with an outfit called Bright Age Cosmetics, but this time he got greedy and didn't close shop when he should have. The IRS planted Meltzer, and the organization is in account, hoping to find evidence for tax evasion at the very least. Meltzer called Bumpers a few days ago, and they were supposed to meet, but Meltzer never made it. And Laura asked, well, how did he wind up on her sister's floor? Bumpers doesn't know other than the fact that the Salesforce for Bright Age is composed entirely of housewives.

And he looks toward Frances and asks if she happens to work for Bright Age.

Sarah: So the these particular, companies, for lack of a better term and I'll

Eric: I'm I've got some Technically, they are companies.

Sarah: I've got some more notes on this later that I I wanted to kind of point out. But, like, these companies typically are 90% women. Mhmm. Almost always women. And there's a a a specific reason for that in terms of why they target.

And I use Target intentionally because these companies are predatory, and they are scammy, and they are really, really awful.

Eric: Are are you implying that men wouldn't fall for it, but women do?

Sarah: No. I'm actually It sounds

Eric: like that's what you're saying.

Sarah: No. No. It has nothing to do with with intelligence. It's more to do with opportunity because even now, there's still a disparity in terms of income. Even even in this this, you know, current timeline where most people have 2 incomes, overall, men still make more than women.

So nowadays, it's being marketed more as a side hustle. But back then, it would have been more like be your own boss. You are a housewife, but you can still make some money. You don't have to do much. You can do this from your living room.

You can have parties. It's a social thing. It it was mainly to kind of like it it promoted a false sense of independence

Eric: house for wise. Little bit like Uber, Lyft, DoorDash, Grubhub.

Sarah: Well, except those those those actually you can make money from. I'm not saying it's good money, but, like, most of these these companies, these pyramid

Eric: schemes money from Amway and those things too. I mean, not good money, but you can make money.

Sarah: It's usually, you lose money 90% of the time. There's very few people that actually make any money from these companies, and that's in my notes further down, but it it they are designed to make you lose money because you have to buy into them. Yeah. You have to buy into them, and you have to

Eric: sell so much product. And if

Sarah: you don't sell, you buy it. Yeah. It's not even about selling the product, actually. That's that's incidental. The thing that you have to do is you have to get more people to sell the product.

That's where the pyramid part comes in. Mhmm. So it's not about the product itself. It's about I mean, you can make some money there, but it's like, it it basically just pays off what you put in. The money that they sell you on or the the, you know, the you I I bought the car.

I made so much money. I got the car. That's like the top 1% of the people, and everybody else is in their downline. So, basically, what that means is in order to make you get commission off of what they make. So you need to recruit 5 people, and each of those 5 people need to recruit 5 people, and they need to recruit 5 people.

And eventually, it's over it oversaturates your your already small market because these are theoretically people that are in your life. So if they're not buying from you, they're selling as well. Eventually, they're gonna run out of people to sell too. And the money comes in recruitment. But if you've recruited everybody, you know, or they're sick of hearing about it, you run out of people to recruit.

Thus, you're not getting their the commissions from the people in your downline. So the money dries up. You're left with this product, and you've spent all this time and effort and money on something that has basically not even paid usually the money that you put into it by the by the end of the day. And Amway was 1 of the biggest for scam scamming women like this because it like, again, they went after housewives. They went after these these women who, didn't have and I think if I recall correctly, there's a bunch of lawsuits that have permeated these these companies.

3 there I I have a website here. 13 MLMs. That's what they're called multilevel marketing that have left a trail of lawsuits and financial investigations. 1 of them, the number 1 is Amway. It is the pioneer of MLM controversy.

So it was founded in 1959 by Jay Van Andel and Richard, Devos, and is often regarded as the grandfather of modern MLMs. The company sells a variety of products, health supplements to home care items, blah blah blah. In the seventies, the FTC investigated Amway for deceptive practices as mentioned by Finshaws. Although the company was not shut down, it was required to make significant changes to its business model because it ruled that Amway was technically not a pyramid scheme, but it had engaged in price fixing and misrepresented potential earnings. In other words, it told these women they could earn money when they really couldn't.

Because it

Eric: That sounds like YouTube.

Sarah: Yeah. Amway's business model relies seriously. Yeah. Relies heavily on recruitment. Distributors are often encouraged to recruit new members rather than focus on selling the products.

This emphasis on recruitment has led to many distributors losing money as they invest in starter kits and training materials with little return. So it's still going though. Amway still exists. Herbalife is another 1. Lula Row was is a newer 1 founded in 2012.

But again, popular MLL, and it's known for its leggings. And again, these these lawsuits kind of were partly about their quality, but also like the same recruitment model. Nu Skin was another 1. Again, recruitment model. Mary Kay, beauty with a price founded in 1963.

It's again, 1 of the most my mom sold it. Mary Kay. Like, this is what they're obviously building Bright Age on. Built a reputation for empowering women by providing opportunities for financial independence. However, again, focused on recruitment, too many consultants investing significant amounts of money into inventory training materials and little return.

Mhmm. So and the and they required their employees to maintain a professional appearance. So I had to buy the makeup not just to sell, but to wear to for themselves because that was, you know, how they they

Eric: advertise the product by

Sarah: wearing exactly Avon is number 6. Young Living is number 7. DoTERRA, that was the essential oils company in 2008. Primerica, financial services and recruitment, Advocare, World Ventures. Like, these companies are so Forever Living is another 1.

They're so scammy. Unique is is a more recent 1 again, 2012. They are horrible because they they suck you in, and you end up owing money sometimes or just losing whatever you've you've put into it. You don't make money off of these. 99 percent of MLM participants lose money according to the other website that I found.

Less than 1 percent of the people who join MLMs actually make any money. So if you walk into a room with a 100 MLM participants, literally 1 person might see profit. The others might break even or lose money. So it's it's

Eric: I've known for a long time, and I've I've talked to my wife about these these types of things the past because people have tried to get her involved or get us involved. And, you know, it's like, yeah, they show you that 1 person who succeeded and that's used as bait, you know, it's but, and it's it's like gambling. Yeah. All these these new phone based, you know, app based gambling games, we've been seeing ads for these things all the time. And it's like, don't go to Vegas, you know Yeah.

And bet at the casinos because they're gonna cheat you and you're gonna lose all your money. Use our app because people win. It's like, yeah, it's the same same scam.

Sarah: Yeah. No. It is. It is.

Eric: You're holding out this this person in this ad that says, you know, I won. I bet $5, and I won $2,500. It's like, yeah. 1 time. Much did

Sarah: you have to

Eric: spend to get to that $5 bet that won you that $2,500?

Sarah: Yeah. And when you think about the what you have to do to try to earn money, like according to this here, the the numbers are staggering when you look at what people actually lose during their first year with multilevel marketing. According to FTC data, 99 percent of MLM participants lose money with the average first year loss ranging from 1,000 to $3,000. Their losses come from required product purchases, starter kits, trading materials, and monthly quotas because now they have to they have to sell a certain amount to stay active in the system. So if they don't sell that, they have to buy it themselves in order to stay in their system as a consultant.

Right? So according to income disclosure, companies reveal that over 73% of participants earn less than $1,200 per year while spending significantly more on that on products and business expenses. The math doesn't math here. Yeah. And some of the hidden costs that's listed here, things like now, this wouldn't be a situation for Laura or Francis.

30 to $50 a month on website or app fees Mhmm. With an annual impact of 360 to $600. Marketing materials could range from, like, 600 to 1,800 per year. Training or conferences because they go to these conferences. Right?

1,200 to $3,600 a year product samples, about 1,000, gas and travel expenses, especially for going to different people's homes. People go into a to debt. Most people go into debt, but they targeted women, and they still do because there's this idea of like, oh, well, you're at home anyway. This is an easy way for you to be social and make friends and earn money and be your own boss. Boss, babe.

Bruh. Girl power. And they go after that at that feminist aspect of it, and it's it's gross and predatory. It really is. So it's not a matter of men being smarter.

It's more opportunistic, especially in the eighties when there was a lot more women that weren't working. We'll get

Eric: a close that men wouldn't fall for it, but women

Sarah: We don't. I I think if it were reversed, it would be the same thing. Right? Because you're offering this this way of earning extra money to to for pocket money or whatever. You know?

Eric: Yeah.

Sarah: But yeah. We'll get into the cult side of it in a minute, but I just had to had to I had to do that because I have so many people that have fallen for these schemes. Mhmm. And they don't last. Right?

They'll sell it for, like, a little while, and then eventually they'll stop, and and it's because they because they're losing money.

Eric: Well, anyway, after Bumpers asks Frances if she happens to be involved with Bright Age, Frances indignantly tells him that in no uncertain terms that housewives in Connecticut do not sell cosmetics. They give bridge parties.

Sarah: And he he looks

Eric: at Frances for a moment, uncertainly, and then says, uh-huh. And then concludes that the IRS believes that Warner is keeping 2 sets of books. And maybe that's what Melcher was onto, Mildred suggests. Steele extends his hand toward bumpers, assuring him that he can count on the Remington Steele agency in this case. And Laura looks at him a bit surprised asking, we can?

Absolutely, Steele says.

Sarah: I don't really know why she's surprised by this. You would think that she'd welcome the help. She knows how useful Mildred is with Mhmm. Her IRS contacts. He's still in the IRS fraud squad.

Yep. He he's just not it's not just contacts. He's still there. He has access to stuff. Like, I don't know why they wouldn't want that help.

Maybe

Eric: she's just still upset about him.

Sarah: I think she's, yeah, still irritated

Eric: with and

Sarah: that sort of thing.

Eric: Anyway, at Bright Age Cosmetics, Ted Warner, 40, slick, and good looking, sits behind an impressive desk and in front of a huge portrait of himself.

Sarah: Why is it people always have

Eric: these huge portraits of themselves? It's weird.

Sarah: It's weird. I can't imagine, like, moving into a big office in some corporation or whatever and being like, okay. First thing I want up on my wall, me.

Eric: Yeah. Well, he pop he pops up as Remington Inners with the 3 Japanese cohorts, and Warner greets them. Steele introduces himself as Watney Chambers, and he's an investment counselor.

Sarah: Course he is.

Eric: Says he's pleased to receive Steele, Chambers' call. And then looking at the 3 Japanese gentlemen, he knows these must be the Hibachi brothers as the men grin silly grins like Mathesar in Galaxy Quest.

Sarah: Yeah.

Eric: Hibachi brothers. I mean, the I I looked and know that as far as I was able to find, that is not a legitimate family name in in in Japan. It's

Sarah: it's There's a lot of stereotypes in this this episode for these these characters.

Eric: And and and Well well, I'm sure that steel picked that name because it's it you know, hibachi grill. It sounds Japanese.

Sarah: Sounds Japanese. Yeah. Exactly.

Eric: Yeah. Anyway, Steele firms that, yes, these are indeed those gentlemen and that they jetted in just this morning to discuss the possibility of launching bright age in The Orient. And Warner takes Steele aside and asks, how many zeros the possibility may have? Half a dozen, Steele adds, but they are rather finicky. They like to examine an investment from the bottom up.

And Warner harrumphs and then turns to address the men suggesting that they take a tour of the facilities, you know, just to get the ball rolling. And, of course, the men agree. And Warner asks Steele if he's coming, but no. He doesn't want to horn in. These gentlemen are used to dealing with only the head honcho.

And Warner nods saying he understands and it is appreciated. After Warner and the 3 tourists leave, Steele begins poking around, first at the desk, then the interior of the cabinet behind the desk, and he bumps the book sitting on top of the desk, which, though the top cover opens slightly, the book itself doesn't seem to move as 1 might expect it should have done having been bumped. So Steele bumps the spine of the book with his fist. It still doesn't move. Grinning, he opens the book and starts flipping through the pages and quickly finds the cover hiding a safe combination lock mechanism.

He leans over, spins the dial to clear the wheels, and then putting his ear down as close as he can, begins to manipulate the dial, listening for the telltale sound of the locking wheels moving into position. He seems to get a couple of them correct, then he taps the dial with his fist. I don't know why he does that. And then he gets 1 more, releasing the lock. He opens the cover, reaches in, and pulls out a handful of documents and a pair of floppy disks.

And I will just note that 5 and quarter inch disks, which he has there in his hand, held a maximum of 1.2 megabytes of data.

Sarah: Oh, wow. To think what you can have on your phone now compared to what those discs can hold.

Eric: My my notes for this episode

Sarah: You know?

Eric: Would would be a quarter of that. Just my notes. Right.

Sarah: Yeah. It's it's crazy.

Eric: A a video of 1 of the episodes from this series is over 1,500 times that. It's nearly 2 gigs. So, yeah, nowadays, you'd look at that, and it's like, yeah.

Sarah: It's that's cute. That's cute. Yeah. That's

Eric: cute. Yeah. Anyway, Steele puts the documents back but snags the floppy disks. He drops the metal cover back down onto the safe and then realizes he skipped a step, pulls it back off, drops the lock mechanism back in, resets the combination, and then again replaces the metal cover, muttering to himself, slipping, slipping. Slipping.

Back at the office, Mildred and Bumpers are looking at the financial data displayed on the computer for Bright Age Cosmetics that was on the floppy disks.

Sarah: They're so cute together.

Eric: Mhmm. Steel prompts, well, and Bumpers says that the books are cleaner than he remembers them. Mildred looks at him and says, it's a dead end. Figures don't indicate anything wrong with Bright Age Cosmetics. And in the background, we see mister Itasuro and mister Takahoma posing with Francis as mister Haramoto takes their pictures.

It's like, I these guys, they they they gotta think for the ladies. That's for sure.

Sarah: Yeah. That's

Eric: I mean, I'll I'll admit Francis isn't a bad looking gal, but, yeah, it's Mildred and Francis and Laura. Donald

Sarah: has no complaints. Yeah.

Eric: Anyway, frustrated at the report, Steele asks if they really went through all of that trouble for nothing. Mister Haramoto pauses his picture taking to tell Steele that it wasn't for nothing. The tour of Bright Age cosmetics was fascinating and that it was a thoroughly modern facility. Everything tipped up. And Steele somewhat dismissively tells mister Haramoto, yes.

Thank you. And then back to Laura, Mildred, and Bumpers, and he says that, okay. They all know that Felix Melcher wasn't murdered for having clean books. There has to be something wrong with Bright Age. And Francis, who's now joined this discussion, asks, yeah.

But what? Absolutely steal comments that he tried the back door, so Laura should try the front. Yep. And Laura shakes her head. She clearly never wanted to get involved

Sarah: in

Eric: the first place, and now she sees a chance to extract herself in the agency gracefully by insisting that this is a government matter. But Bumpers derails her saying that you know, the government could use some help right now. And Mildred, of course, piles on urging Laura not to let uncle Sam down. And with resignation, Laura says, well, since I've been called to colors. Yep.

Francis interrupts, pleading that Laura can't leave her alone. Laura sighs and then says, alright, Francis. You and I will try the front door. And Steele chuckles, and Bumpers says that he and Mildred will recheck the numbers. I wonder what numbers he's gonna be checking out.

Anyway, excitedly, Steele picks up the phone saying, Splendid. I'm just going to. But Francis interrupts asking if Steele would be an angel and pick up Donald at the university. His car broke down this morning. Well, Steele humps, and Laura leans forward and with a smirk says, be an angel.

I

Sarah: do like that. That's funny. Dig. Dig. Dig.

Dig. Dig. Yeah.

Eric: Laura and Francis are walking into an auditorium where the new recruits for bright age cosmetics are welcomed. A large group of women are already there with a preponderance of them in purple clothing.

Sarah: Yeah. Okay. This is this is where I wanna derail this into cult talk. Okay. Because this a lot of these companies are I'm not gonna like, they're not Jim Jones.

Okay? They're not, you know, living on a compound, drinking the Kool Aid, and, you know, trying to get to heaven's gate. It's not

Eric: that they offer you Kool Aid, be careful. But

Sarah: that's what people think of when they hear the word cult. They think of Mhmm. The compound and the, you know, religious zealots and the guru and things like that. Whereas the what we call the model for authoritarian control has sort of evolved from from what we understand of of historical cults in the past and kind of branched out. There are levels of of danger that these groups pose.

Obviously, being the extreme is your your Jim Jones and your your Waco and that sort of thing. But the slightly less extreme, but still really damaging MLMs fall really heavily into this category because they have all the aspects of what what we call the bite model. Steven Hasson is a psychologist, and I think he might be a psychiatrist as well. I'm not 1000% certain, but, he created what was called the bite model of authoritarian control. Like, how do you recognize that you are in an authoritarian group situation, whether it's a cult or or just, you know, something that's kind of ruling your life.

Right? Mhmm. There's basically 4 things it has to have. Behavior control, information control, thought control, and emotional control. So that could be anything for behavior.

Your your reality is regulated. Where, how, and when, and whom you live with can be decided. Certain types of control like clothing and hairstyles. So, for example, Mary Kay consultants having to wear and dress a certain way and use the makeup. Diet control, manipulation or deprivation of sleep, financial exploitation.

It doesn't have to have all these things, but it has to have some of these things. Right? And it's broad enough that a lot of these, like I said, can create smaller cults or smaller cult situations. Information control. You're being deceived.

Right? Information's deliberately being withheld from you or distorted to make it more acceptable. So telling these women, oh, yeah. You can make so

Eric: much the news.

Sarah: Yeah. Kind of. I mean, like they systematically lie to the cult members. So these MLMs saying you can make so much money. Look at this person.

They got the car. Right? Minimizing or discouraging access to non cult sources of information. And this is where MLMs are really, really despicable because they basically tell their members. Don't listen to your friends who are telling you that this is a bad idea.

Don't listen to don't read anything about the company that says bad things because they're all lying. They just want you to not be successful. They don't want you to succeed. They don't want to support you. And it kind of isolates these people from their friends and family because they're being told, like, don't listen to them.

They're not supportive of of your business. Right? So things like compartmentalizing the information outsider versus insider us versus them. Encouraging spying on other members. Right?

Report anybody who doesn't seem to be touting the company line or who doubts the company. Cult generated information and propaganda. That's that 1 member that got the car. Right? And then thought control and emotional control.

Again, using the group's doctrine as truth, adopting this map of reality is their reality. They're singing a whole song. These women are sitting there all wearing purple. Right? Use of what they call loaded language, which is like certain buzzwords that basically like are in introduce what's called a thought stopping cliche.

Right? You say something and it kind of deters any extra thought. What are you gonna do? Right? That's a thought stopping cliche.

What are you gonna do? Well, I guess nothing. So, like, chanting, meditating, praying, singing, humming, these are all ways of thought control. Then your emotional control. Manipulating this narrow range of feelings.

In this case, promoting feelings of guilt, unworthiness, or instilling things like thinking independently, the outside world, or, you know, girl power, raw, this community of housewives that are all in it together. All of this is very culty. And there's a couple of articles that actually talk about how MLMs are like cults. And 1 in particular, has like 11 ways they are like cults. The first 1, they promise utopia.

Right? These leaders of these MLMs will tell you that it's easy money. You can work from home. Do what you love. Be your own boss.

Feel accepted. Make tons of friends. That sounds great. They're led by a guru. In this case, Ted Warner.

Everybody loves Ted. Right? He's he's good looking. He he he talks to these women. He's like, ladies.

Yeah. You know? And every single 1 of these companies has that person. Right? They promised secrets to success.

Nobody else knows this. We have the secrets. If you follow these steps, you're gonna be super rich. And blame is then placed. If you don't succeed, it's placed on the person, not the flawed business model.

So like you had a lack of faith. You had a negative mindset. You didn't work hard enough. The numbers work. You're not doing your job.

They tell you to reject the haters. Like I said, that's the exact demo was cults. Their structure is confusing. You never really know. There's like Amway has 23 pin levels, silver, gold, ruby, pearl, sapphire.

Avon has, like, executive leaders, silver executive leader, gold executive leader. Like, there's all these, like they don't make any sense. Right? They use predatory tactics to recruit so that they discover your weakness and prey upon it. Like, if you're in financial pressure, you're in a dead end job.

You're experiencing shame as a working parent. You wanna work from home. You're lonely or you're feeling trapped. They'll go after that. They control you using fear and shame.

Right? They expect constant positivity. You have to be happy. Happy. Happy.

They announce moral superiority. Anybody who's not doing this doesn't know what it's like to be their own boss. Like they're a cog of the machine. They're not as good as you. There's an allegiance that causes like a sudden personality change.

You're bringing up this MLM every day and driving your friends crazy. And finally, they demand absolute devotion. Those are like the 11 things that make these groups really cult like and you can see this in the episode. They're all dressed in purple. They're singing the song.

Hi, Ted. They're all announcing in unison. It's creepy. Anyway, sorry to derail that. I had a cult story.

I might leave it for for sensitive steel, because it's more in the range of LGATs, which are large group awareness trainings.

Eric: But Okay.

Sarah: I've told you the cult story. Yeah. I might save it for sensitive steel because I I think it fits there better. Alright. Anyway, sorry.

You for indulging me.

Eric: As Frances and Laura come in, several women greet Frances, and Frances greets several women in return. Laura asks how many of these people she knows there and how how she knows them. And and Frances says, oh, you know, carpool, PTA, little league. It's a full plate, Laura. It doesn't sound to me like she doesn't have people that she's interacting with.

Sarah: I don't it I don't think it's that she doesn't have people she's interacting with. She clearly does interact people, but I don't think she has anybody she can confide in that she's struggling.

Eric: Okay.

Sarah: Because I think in her mind, she has to project this image of, like, I've got it all together. And she doesn't want these new people that she's met to know that she's falling apart because she wants them to like her, and she wants to and this is another really good visual shorthand of how their worlds differ because Laura is walking in this. She shouldn't know any of these people. Why would she? She has nothing in common with any of these women in this room.

Not a single 1. Whereas, Francis, even though she's not involved in this, Bright Hage Cosmetics knows half the ladies there because their their paths are crossing. It's all her world. And so Laura's actually the odd man out undercover in this situation. She went in there, I think, expecting to feel, like, in control because this is her job.

She goes undercover, she does this stuff. But it's actually Frances who fits in better, and Laura's not used to that. So yeah.

Eric: Well, Laura and Frances sit next to a woman who greets Frances saying, they didn't see her in the erotic classes. Erotic classes? Aerobic exercise classes yesterday.

Sarah: Housewives are doing more than I thought. And

Eric: awkwardly, Frances says that she had unexpected company.

Sarah: That's 1 way of putting it.

Eric: Yeah. Laura extends her hand to the woman and introduces herself. The other woman introduces herself as Judy Bartlett, Frances' next door neighbor, telling Laura that she's so glad that she could come and join their little family. Excuse me. And Laura, who seems embarrassed about being there despite the reasons for being there, hesitantly asks if they can really make any money doing this.

And Judy laughs and says, let me tell you. We're putting my son through college on my commissions alone. Well, friends, this

Sarah: Sorry. Go ahead. The only reason that's the case is because this isn't a legitimate MLM. It's a front for money laundering as they later find out. Yeah.

If this was an actual MLM, she wouldn't she wouldn't be seeing any profit. She

Eric: anyway, upon hearing hearing that, Frances is suddenly really interested. And the best part, Judy exclaims, is that you don't have to invest a dime of your own money. Yeah. And now Laura Laura is interested all of a sudden, though not likely for the same reasons as Frances. The woman starts or the women start applauding as we see Warner and a blonde woman walk out onto the stage under a banner reading, welcome new recruits.

At the podium, Wagner begins his welcome, frequently being interrupted by applause. When he asks, do you know why BrightAge is 1 of the fastest growing companies in the world today? Women incessant shout back. Exactly. And when he responds, because we have the best sales force in the country.

And you know why? Why, Ted? Because nobody knows the American housewife better than the American housewife. Give yourselves a hand.

Sarah: See? There's that, like, moral superiority preaching to the choir, that feeling of belonging.

Eric: The women are eating it up. They go wild. Frances is starting to get excited. And Laura to join. Laura is just rolling her eyes and doing a sarcastic slow clap.

Sarah: Yep.

Eric: Well, Wagner then introduces Terry Goldblum, whom he calls your leading lavender lady.

Sarah: She's the 1%. The 1 person that makes the money.

Eric: And, again, the crowd applauds with Frances telling Laura over the sound of the applause that Terry Goldblum is her other next door neighbor, and Goldblum begins her spiel. I know what you're thinking. How did Terry do it? How did she wind up with that brand new car? Well, ladies, I'm here to tell you that I am just like you.

I'm a housewife. I drive carpool. I clean the oven. Do you hear what I'm saying? And, of course, the women all yell back, including Frances, I hear you.

And Laura scoots down in her seat covering her face with her hands. She is so embarrassed to be there. And as Ms. Goldblum is speaking, Judy has a disgusted look on her face, rubs her throat as if having trouble swallowing something. As the applause dies down, Judy leans over to Laura and confines that it didn't

Sarah: hurt that miss Goldblum was playing around with the head accountant.

Eric: The 1 who died? Laura asks. Mhmm. Trudy says. And the script adds, we'll just see how miss fancy pants does next year.

Miss Goldblum enthusiastically concludes, if I can do it, you can do it too. Let's hear it for Ted Warner. Let's hear it for Bright Age. And the women applause, Warner stands and waves, and 2 women run-in from the side carrying large placards with the words to the Bright Age theme song sung to the tune of it's gonna be a great day.

Sarah: We we are all feeling good looking the way we should. Sorry.

Eric: It's gonna be a great day first recorded and released in 1929 by Paul Whitman and his orchestra, they didn't have to pay any royalties on the music.

Sarah: Yep.

Eric: The women, including Frances, get all hyped and start singing with a religious fervor as the music plays from the speakers.

Sarah: This is what I'm saying. Like, this is a this is culty. This is super culty. Like, you know, they all feel like come like, they all feel like they belong together, except for Laura, of course, because she doesn't have kids. She doesn't drive carpools.

She doesn't have anything in common with these women. So she's, like, sitting there, like, I've stepped in the twilight zone. This is creepy.

Eric: Mhmm. Yeah. I've been in those situations too.

Sarah: Yep.

Eric: Francis jabs Laura in the side with excitement. Ms. Goldblum and Warren Wagner Warner? Why do I have Wagner?

Sarah: Warner clap

Eric: and sort of Warner awkwardly dances.

Sarah: Yeah.

Eric: I mean, it's a really weird, weird dance. Anyway, during the entire song, Laura just squirms uncomfortably. And so, yeah, the singing continues, and then we jump to the university where Donald is walking out of a building. Then he starts down the sidewalk looking around, presumably looking for Francis. Well, mister Mustache comes up behind Donald, grabs his arm, and tells him that they need to talk.

Donald taps his watch, telling the man that he's running a little late and to come back during office hours. The man pulls a gun, shoves it in Donald's side, and insists that the matter needs to be discussed. Can't keep. Next, we see the agency limo is headed toward the university. Inside, Steele is telling the 3 tourists that they have just a brief stop to pick up Laura's brother-in-law, and then they'll be on their way to the airport.

And mister Haramoto takes more pictures. That that should become you know, I just should throw that in there for periodically, and mister Haramoto takes more pictures. Yeah. As they approach, Steele sees mister Mustache force Donald into the car, and he informs the tourists that there will be a slight detour. Then he tells the friend of the day to follow that car, though in the script, it's follow that dentist, which I I I like is a better line.

It should

Sarah: kept that in. Yeah.

Eric: As the friend of the day pulls a masterful U-turn in a land yacht, mister Herrimontos excitedly exclaims, alright. American car chase. Just like the a team exclaims, it's a it it's a 0. That that guy, whose name I can't pronounce, in Japanese. And the third guy in Japanese says, I love it when a plan comes together, which I presume is a catchphrase

Sarah: Yeah. From

Eric: Yeah.

Sarah: It's from the '18. Yeah.

Eric: Anyway, back from a commercial break, we see that Donald is sitting in an office of some sort,

Sarah: but we can't

Eric: really seem much else. Donald is trying to threaten whoever he's facing by telling them, you're looking at a hell of a lawsuit, fella. In addition to criminal charges, you're looking at civil damages that are gonna make your head swim. Then we see that Donald is facing not only mister Mustache, but another man. Whereas mister Mustache is dressed casually in slacks, an unbuttoned jacket, shirt open to the collar, the other man is dressed in a suit and tie.

The man in the suit tells Donald to relax and that they don't care why he killed Melcher. All they want is what Melcher was carrying. How many times have I gotta tell you? Donald says, I'm a dentist. I'm not a hitman.

But mister Mustache isn't buying it, saying, yeah, and I'm little Bo Peep. He grabs Donald, asking mister Suit to let him loosen Donald up. But mister Suit holds back mister Mustache, saying that the doc's a professional man, and he's sure that he'll listen to reason.

Sarah: Okay. So I get that they are going off the fact that this is Donald's house that the guy died in, but, like, you think they should use some common sense. He he they they they kidnap him coming

Eric: out of university. Sense. They probably wouldn't be in the profession in the first place.

Sarah: They okay. They kidnapped him coming out of the university where he works. Mhmm. And does he look like a hitman to you? Not that there's, like, a, I don't know, a uniform, but, like, he clearly exudes, like, doofy, white, dentist.

Eric: Would be the ideal cover for

Sarah: a hitman. Sure. I don't know. He just it doesn't seem likely.

Eric: I mean, when Clark Kent comes out of the Daily Planet, does he look like a guy that would be Superman?

Sarah: Kinda. Yeah. Actually, he's built like a he's built like a linebacker. Okay? And we're the glasses are supposed to fool us?

Come on.

Eric: You're supposed to go along with me on these things.

Sarah: Sure. Oh my gosh. They are 2 different men. What a crazy random happenstance. Anyway,

Eric: yes. Where were we? Oh, yes. Donald tries to explain to the man what happened. The man just happened to end up in his trash.

Is that my fault? Actually, earlier, he was

Sarah: on the kitchen floor. Then his then Donald says, my wife went to make a phone call

Eric: to call her sister. When she got back, mister Suit makes a guttural shout, grabs Donald by the mouth saying that he doesn't care. Well, we soon discover that Donald is being held in a warehouse office when we see Steele and the 3 Japanese tourists making their way through the warehouse proper. And in the meantime, Donald is still trying to persuade mister Suit that Donald didn't kill the dead man. He didn't even know him.

Maybe they have him confused with some other dentist. Well, we see the door to the office open, and here's Steele saying, right this way, gentlemen, please. In you come. And, of course, 1 of the guys the other guy, not mister Haramoto, is taking pictures, and mister Mustache pulls his gun while mister Suit demands to know what's going on. Routine inspection, Steele says, buying himself a brief moment as he moves toward mister Mustache and distracts the attention of the 2 bad guys.

Suddenly, he kicks his foot up, knocking the gun out of mister Mustache's hand, and then he punches him in the face. Then mister It Desuru takes out mister Suit with a karate chop, generic term, steel grabs Donald, and all the men rush out of the room as 1 of the tourists, mister Takahamo, according to the script, says a regular in Japanese. They

Sarah: all know martial arts, apparently. Yes. As per the stereotype. Right? Yes.

Yeah. I think it would be funnier to make the assumption that they wouldn't have them all go, like, we're gonna suspend. Why would we know how to do that? But, anyway, I guess they they needed to get the gun out of his hand

Eric: and yeah. Yes. Interestingly enough, 1 of Bruce Lee's first roles was playing Kato in the television 1966 version of Green Hornet.

Sarah: Lee is yeah. He's also if I recall correctly, he's Chinese. Is he not? Not Japanese? Yeah.

He's Chinese. Sorry. Just Google it. Yeah. He's Chinese.

So Yeah. Anyway. I guess they're just assuming people will be like

Eric: Yeah. They all look alike. You know?

Sarah: Yeah. Outside

Eric: the office, Steele tells the tourists, Sayonora, and then he and Donald take off 1 way, leaving the tourists to make their escape some other way, which seems a rather callous move on Steele's part.

Sarah: I was gonna say, did they just leave them there to die? Like, just, like, take off.

Eric: Yeah. It's just okay. You need to get to the airport. I need to

Sarah: get him to safety. Have a good life. I mean, I get that they're also they are also private investigators, so it's not like they're they're total noobs, but, like, come on. You know? Anyway

Eric: Yes. Anyway, Steele and Donald run out of the warehouse to the sound of gunshots. And then as they are leaning against the door that that he just ran out of, taking a moment to catch their breath, Donald, in a NSS moment, breathes, he had a gun. And NSS, no Sherlock.

Sarah: Oh, yeah. Okay. Gotcha. Gotcha.

Eric: Steele comments that, yeah, he noticed. And Steele points and then tells Donald, come on. Let's go. Well, Donald and Steele start chasing a delivery truck. That's what Steele had spotted and pointed to.

Steele reaches at first, jumps up onto the back, and raises the door while urging Donald to hurry up and then to jump. Donald Pants said he should have stuck with the jogging. He finally reaches the truck. Steele reaches out to give him a hand, and then both men are on the truck and into the cargo box. Steele lowers the door.

The truck is loaded with boxes of Bright Age cosmetic products, and resting against the product, Donald and Steele take a moment to finally catch their breath. Suddenly, Steele says, Beverly Hills Cop, Eddie Murphy, Judge Reinhold. Paramount in 1984. A wealthy industrialist smuggled bearer bonds concealed in shipping crates.

Sarah: It's a pretty modern reference. Probably their most modern reference yet, I would think.

Eric: Yeah. Probably. Yeah. Donald is confused. What is Steele talking about?

Steele stands up, grabs 1 of the boxes, and drops it into Donald's lap. He grabs another for himself and sits back down and instructs Donald to start ripping as he himself starts tearing into his box.

Sarah: That's a great movie, by the way, Bechtel Hill's cop. It's a great movie. If you haven't seen it, it's a good 1.

Eric: Well, next, we are in the living room of the home of Donald and Francis Piper. There are a dozen or more women present, including Laura. Terry Goldblum, the leading lavender lady, is standing next to an end table with a lamp and a quantity of pink Bright Age cosmetic bottles. Yep. She picks up 1 of the bottles and holds it in front of her as she welcomes the women to the wonderful world of Bright Age cosmetics.

Sarah: I have been to so many of these parties. I don't know if you've been to any, but I have been to so because, again, with these with these companies, because they're the it's not just the recruiting. You have to invite people to your parties. Right? So you've been recruited, so now you have to have a party.

I have had I have been to Tupperware. I have been to there's a t 1 that I Teavana or something like that. Teavana. It was I can't remember the name of the t 1, but there's a t 1 loose leaf tea, erotic toys. Yeah.

There's an MLM for that. And yeah. So you

Eric: know Our viewers are gonna wanna know, so you're gonna have to find the, the website for that.

Sarah: Can't remember the name of I genuinely don't remember the name of the company, but I guess the party was interesting. I'll tell you that because the you know, first posting, it's like, and then we have this 1 and this 1, and they're showing, like, different types of, like, you know, toys and and lube and whatever else. And then they yeah. You try awkward. Oh, I remember wish I could remember the name of it, but I don't remember the name of it.

Yeah. Just, the bags.

Eric: There's 1

Sarah: yes. That's it. Pure Romance. That's it. 31 bags.

I I I ended up at a party for that. Like, I What what was 31

Eric: bags? What is that?

Sarah: It's like engraved totes and bags and stuff that you can order. Yeah. I know. It, like, just and it's 1 of those things where I, like, I have trouble

Eric: Saying no?

Sarah: Not saying no, but, like, I don't wanna, like, let people down, especially if they're friends of mine. So if it's a party, like, I'll go and I'll usually buy something small and like, you know, give up 2 hours of my life, but it just it's it's so awkward being at these parties because you're like being sold this wonderful product that you know? And all the time, I'm thinking to myself, if it's so wonderful, why isn't it on the shelves? Like, why do you have to sell it from your living room if it's that good? You know?

But, yeah, I've been to

Eric: Well, I'm sure they've got a reason that they

Sarah: Oh, of course.

Eric: They offer that might make sense in in some some form fashion.

Sarah: Don't have to go through distributors. Right? They're offering it wholesale, so you get it. But it's always, like, ridiculously expensive anyway. And, you know, so I I've been to a bunch.

And, like, Laura, the way Laura looks in that scene is me. Like, same girl. Same. Because, like, I'm usually sitting there going, okay, spare me the spiel. Give me the form.

I'll fill it out. I'll eat your cheese plate. Let me go home. You know?

Eric: Anyway, miss Goldblum sets the bottle down, walks over to Frances who is now wearing a lavender dress, the visible symbol of her having sold her soul. And Ms. Goldblum informs the group that this is Frances's very first house party, so let's give her a big, bright age hand. And the women all applaud, and Frances is both embarrassed by and reveling in the attention. Yep.

She thanks everyone for coming on such short notice, and then with false humility, apologizes that the place

Sarah: is such

Eric: a mess.

Sarah: I hate I hate people that do this humble brag. You know, they have a house that's, like, so clean. It's like a museum.

Eric: Oh, I haven't had a chance to clean it

Sarah: up today.

Eric: I'm so sorry.

Sarah: Oh, it's such a mess. Like, I'm just so embarrassed that this 1 book is out of like

Eric: Yeah. No.

Sarah: Just no. Like, just stop.

Eric: Yeah. Well, Laura's not having it either. I mean, she gives a side roll, and

Sarah: Yeah. She's sweetheart. Can tell she's thinking

Eric: a mess. This place is practically perfect.

Sarah: Well and what's what's funny is that the people whose houses are a mess will never apologize for it because they usually don't even realize that they're living in a mess.

Eric: Or the you know, they'll say, hey. We got kids.

Sarah: Yeah. Whatever. You know, as long as it's for me, as long as it's not, like, as long as I'm not stepping on anything crusty or, like, food has been left out for days on end or it's growing penicillin, I don't care. I don't care how you live. I don't care if your house is is cluttered or if you've got toys all over your stairs or what.

Like, I don't care. You do you.

Eric: Well, Francis comments about needing more cookies. Miss Goldblum volunteers to get them, telling Francis to go ahead and that she'll just do and that she'll do just fine. Miss Goldblum picks up the snack tray and leaves for the kitchen. And as Frances begins her sales pitch, Laura casually picks up the coffee carafe and follows miss Goldblum out of the room. In the kitchen, miss Goldblum begins putting cookies on the tray, and Laura begins making more coffee.

Laura asks if the company is really as good as they say. And flippantly, miss Goldblum tells her, you'd better believe it, honey. And then she asks if Laura's married. Laura stammers, not answering, and miss Goldblum, misunderstanding Laura's hesitancy, then assumes that Laura is divorced. Again, Laura stammers.

Sarah: I don't know why Laura didn't just lie and say she was because that's the whole point of going, oh, we've sorry. We've established Laura's terrible with undercover. She you know? Sorry. I answered my own question there, but, like, she should've just been like, yes.

I'm you know? She was a Peppler.

Eric: Yeah. That's true. She was.

Sarah: She could've been she could've been a Peppler here or at least a Piper. Yes. Not a Piper, I guess, because that's down Donald's last you know what I'm trying to say?

Eric: If a Peppler picked a pick a pep Piper's, would would a Piper pick a puppy?

Sarah: Could've still been a Peppler, I guess, if she had taken the last name of the person she met. Yeah. You get what I'm trying to Yeah.

Eric: Miss Goldwyn takes Laura's lack of response as confirmation, telling her that it's nothing to be ashamed of. After all, who isn't divorced these days? Her husband, gone with the wind. No alimony, no child support, adding that it is really tough to put food on the table and raise 2 kids. Laura goes along saying that she doesn't know how they do it.

Miss Goldblum says that Bright Age has turned her life around, that it will do the same for you, Laura, and she calls Ted Warner a savior for women like them.

Sarah: Yeah. See, that's that's guru worship. That's Well,

Eric: varying into the personal realm, Laura tells miss Goldblum that she heard what happened to her boyfriend saying that it must have been a terrible shock. Miss Goldblum says that, well, she just must be meant to be on her own a little bit while longer, but at least she has her work. Back in the truck, Donald and Steele have torn into nearly all the boxes in the truck. Steele asks Donald what he found. Mudpaks.

Donald asks Steele what he found. Skin cleanser.

Sarah: I have to admit that I I don't know. I think I fail girl here Mhmm. Because I have seen ads for all this kinds of stuff. I don't own a single 1 of these products. I don't own anti wrinkle cream.

I don't own skin moisturizer or cleanser or what toner. I don't even know what toner is. To me, that's the stuff you put in the photocopying machine. I legitimately don't understand any of this, and I always feel like an alien when I hear women specifically talking about all these products. Like, first you need this, and then you have to layer it on top of that, and then you have to put that on top of that.

And I'm like, or you could just exist. I that's what I do. It's been working for me for 43 years. So I don't know. Like And I remembered being in, I think it was Sephora with a friend of mine that's a makeup Well, I'm sure you know what Sephora is, makeup chain.

And I was in this Sephora and a friend of mine was buying makeup and the sales lady who had like a full face of it came over to me and she Well, us. And she was talking to my friend and she said, I don't know how she started talking to me because I wasn't there buying anything, but I try to sell stuff because I think they get commissions. And I said, well, I don't really use any of that. And she was like, what are you gonna do when you start to get older? I'm like, don't I guess I'll age.

Like, I'm sorry. I just felt oddly enough, I felt like I had to apologize for it. It was just very bizarre because, like and here's the thing. No shade to anybody who wants to use those products. Like, if you feel good, you do you.

I just to me, they're so intimidating, and this could be the ADHD, but, like, all these things that do something different, I'm just like, I don't I'm good. I that seems like a lot of effort. I'm just not interested in. Well

Eric: So, yeah, I think it failed girl.

Sarah: You know what

Eric: I call it.

Sarah: Yeah. It's

Eric: all fake up. I

Sarah: I think I fail at girl in this. Like, I I used to have makeup that I wore more frequently when I was younger, but I've just kind of, like, lost it. But it's just it feels like a lot of effort. Oh, anyway.

Eric: Well, Steele tosses his blocks in disgust. No microchips. No bear bonds. Just cosmetics. So much for the smuggling theory, he frets.

That was a good idea anyway, Donald consoles him. Then he starts to laugh. Steele doesn't understand what Donald finds so funny. Donald explains that besides being scared to death, almost being shot at, and having no idea what's going on, this has been the most excitement he's had since college. And Steele grins almost as if he shares the sentiment.

And then Donald apologizes, figuring, oh, it's all routine stuff for Steele. And with intense feeling, Steele assures Donald that 1 never gets used to the idea of imminent death.

Sarah: I think that would be true.

Eric: Yeah. And suddenly, Sirius himself, Donald nods, says, yeah, he sees Steele's point. He pauses a moment and then with a subtle admiration and excitement says, but still, there must be something being Remington Steele, man of action, always in the thick of danger. You think so? Steele asks.

And in the midst of his hero worship, Donald says, are you kidding? Come on. What a life. The greatest risk I run is being bitten by a patient. No.

I admire you, Steele. I really, really do. And thoughtfully, Steele responds that the funny thing is and he raises his hand, pointer finger extended, and then jabs it toward Donald and says that he admires Donald.

Sarah: I like this

Eric: spin. Donald doesn't understand. Me? Uh-huh. Because you made a commitment to 1 person.

Well, 4 people, in fact. And Donald shakes his head, confessing that there are days that when he reaches that freeway off ramp, he just wants to keep right on driving. But you don't steal commence, and that makes you more of a hero in my way of thinking.

Sarah: I love this because he said this to Sheldon Quarry, like, in the very beginning. It but it wasn't necessarily about being a family man. It was just that Sheldon was living this ordinary life that Steele has never led. In this case, he's envious of Donald's family, but also the fact, like, in a way, Donald is the dad that Steele never had. Donald is the guy who stayed.

He's the guy who made a commitment, who looks after his kids, who provides for his family, who does all the things that nobody ever did for him. And

Eric: I think it's more than that. I think he is seeing Donald as what he isn't. Oh, for sure. Been a person to make commitments. He hasn't been the person to stay the course even when he wanted to leave.

He was always the guy who did exactly what everybody else in his life did, bailed. And that's what I I I'm not discounting what you say, but I think more than anything else, he's looking at himself and saying, that's that guy over there, he's got more guts than I have ever had.

Sarah: Yeah. No. I agree with both of like, I think both of those things are true. Because to him, the scariest thing in the world that you can do is stay.

Eric: That's right.

Sarah: Because people let you down. People other people leave. Other people are, you know, tell you things.

Eric: Become responsible for other people. Yeah. That's terrifying.

Sarah: Scary. That's second they, you know, placed my my child in my arms, there was all the usual feelings of I love you and, you know, you're super cute and how to

Eric: And then there was, oh, crap. What have I gotten into?

Sarah: Oh my god. I have to keep this thing alive? Like, I'm responsible for I can't keep a house plant alive. I'm gonna keep a kid alive? What the hell is going on here?

Like, I

Eric: Well, you water it once a week. No. I'm talking about the kid. You water it once a week.

Sarah: You change it. They gotta eat every day. Like, it's it's scary as hell, and Steele is seeing this day to day. He doesn't see it as day to day monotony. He sees it as day to day heroism, Donald coming home and doing what he's supposed to be doing.

I it's a great

Eric: book. Doesn't want to.

Sarah: For sure. Yeah. Sometimes that's the hardest to do that. You know? When you do see the off ramp and you're like, I could just keep driving.

Eric: Know, it's like it's it's like when kids, you know, grade school, junior high, even high school and college, people well, you don't have the guts to do this. You know? And everybody's trying to get this person to do something that they don't wanna do. You don't have the guts to do it. No.

You know? And and they they walk away, they don't do it. And they think they've got more guts than that person that walked away when, in fact, that person that walked away had more guts because they resisted the pressure of the crowd. That's the easy thing to do is follow the pressure of the crowd.

Sarah: They understood their boundaries, and they didn't let those boundaries get walked on. Yes. For sure. I 100%. So I just this is a great moment because it has

Eric: And and it's also like the situation with Sheldon Quarry. He doesn't say it in a I don't wanna say in a flippant manner, but he doesn't say it in a lighthearted

Sarah: No. It's very serious.

Eric: And unimpressed manner. It's very, very Yeah. Intensely serious.

Sarah: Insincere. And I think that's partly why, you know, from the get go, he's not helping just to score points with Laura or Mhmm. You know, get her. At no point does he actually make an advance on her in this episode. He's very, like, just concerned with helping his family.

I think part of it is that he's looking at this family and and just thinking about what it would be like to have this life.

Eric: You know what else it could be? He's looking at this family and thinking, this could be my family in the future.

Sarah: Yeah. I think so. Because Laura took that 1 case with the kids because she wanted to see what he was like with the kids, but that was so artificial in the sense that, like, they were looking after

Eric: you it in a metaphoric sense. I mean, literally, Donald and Francis could be part of his family in the future.

Sarah: He could be his brother-in-law for sure. Yes. And I think that he's even if that's subconscious, he might not realize it consciously, but he's definitely seeing that as a as a Yeah.

Eric: Part of

Sarah: And then just like the idea that he is thinking about settling down. He's considering like, I'm I've been here this long, you know, and he's looking at this family structure and thinking this is what it looks like. This is what it could be like. I know a bit different for them because they're still gonna be chasing killers or whatever, but, like Yeah. You know, that idea of it.

Eric: Yeah. Yeah. Well, anyway, in the truck, everything suddenly jerks to a stop and cautiously, Steele tells Donald that they've reached the end of the line.

Sarah: Yeah.

Eric: Steele stands, straightening his tie, and Donald follows suit, looking at Steele expecting guidance. Just act natural,

Sarah: Steele says. As he

Eric: slides his hands into his pockets, and Donald gives Steele a look that says, act natural. What's natural about 2 guys tearing open boxes in the back of a truck as it's traveling

Sarah: down Or the coming out of said truck and all the boxes are torn open and Well,

Eric: the door rolls open, and a man is at the side grabbing the controls for the liftgate, and he's talking to somebody else. Well, Donald and Steele stroll to the back of truck, step onto the liftgate, both looking confident as if it were a normal, everyday thing to do. Yeah. And as the gate lowers, the 2 men see Donald and Steele, and they move to confront them. And Steele whips out his private investigator's license, maybe.

Yep. Flashes it at the 2 men and offhandedly says, quality control. Everything appears to be in order. Carry on, gentlemen. And Steele and Donald stroll away with the 2 men slowly deciding to follow.

After a moment, Donald starts to look back over his shoulder, but Steele tells him not to look back. Never look back.

Sarah: Yep.

Eric: They take a few more steps, but despite Steele's instructions, Donald glances over his shoulder and, in a worried tone, informs Steele that the 2 men are following them. Well, in light of this new information, Steele reconsiders and revises his prior directions to Donald. In that case, run. Run. And they take off at full speed.

The 2 men also take off at a run but then quickly stop. They look at each other and then turn back toward the truck, having apparently decided, not our problem. Yep. In the office, Mildred is at her desk proverbially up to her eyeballs in computer printouts of the financial reports from Bright Age Cosmetics, and behind her is Bumper also or bumpers. Bumpers, yes, looking at printouts.

Frazzled, he exclaims, well, that's it. We've been over this thing 1000000 times. He tosses down the printout, turns, and then puts his hand on Mildred's, telling her, let's go get some dinner. And Mildred gives him a chastening look, picks up his hand, moves it from hers, and insists not until we find something. And if we didn't suspect it before now, we know it now.

He has had a thing for Mildred for a long time.

Sarah: Yeah. Yeah.

Eric: He grins at her and muses that, you know, they're quite a team. And Mildred gives him a sweet smile telling him that was a long time ago. Well, giving her a mischievous smile, he suggested, well, maybe she should get her books started at again. What?

Sarah: That's a euphemism.

Eric: She gives him a flirtatious frown and gives him an, oh, pooh, and gently slaps at his arm. Laura and Frances come in, and Laura asks if Mildred has found anything. Zilch. What about Laura? Just a room full of satisfied customers, Laura reports.

Sarah: Housewives. Satisfied housewives.

Eric: Oh, yes. Sorry. My bad. Well, well, we find out that some of them are customers of mister Warner later on.

Sarah: Yeah. Well, mean, they wanna they wanna look good for their man. Right? That's what Francis was saying. You wanna look good for your man.

So here's

Eric: this. Well, he's he's been providing them services.

Sarah: 90% of the time when women wear makeup, they're not wearing it for men. They're wearing it for other women or themselves. Like, they're they're wearing it to look good for what they wanna look good, but it's not necessarily for

Eric: Yeah.

Sarah: Men. Yeah.

Eric: Well, anyway, Frances chips in that although she may not be a detective, she doesn't think there's anything wrong with BrightAge. It seems like a perfectly wonderful company to her.

Sarah: She's been sucked in.

Eric: And Bumpers doesn't appreciate her comments suggesting that she tried to tell that to Felix Melcher. Donald bursts through the front doors hollering, don't be alarmed. I'm fine. I'm fine. Don't be alarmed.

Alright?

Sarah: They weren't alarmed. They didn't even know he was missing.

Eric: Well, yeah. I mean, that's that's if you don't want somebody to be alarmed, don't say don't be alarmed.

Sarah: Yeah. Don't say, don't worry. Everything's fine because then I'm gonna be like, okay. Everything is not fine. What happened?

Eric: Well and Francis wonders what what happened, and Laura wonders, where's mister Steele? Donald equivocates casually saying that, well, he popped home to change. They took an unexpected tour of West Covina. Mildred asks, why? Donald suddenly in a slight panic says, they had to.

The man had a gun.

Sarah: My Donald at gunpoint? Yeah.

Eric: And, of course, Donald wanting to appear the hero in the eyes of his woman, placed it off as if it was nothing to get excited about. It was just a simple kidnapping. You can

Sarah: use that later for sure. You know? Like, she'll be like, what was it like? Oh, nothing. You know?

I was totally calm. Oh, Donald.

Eric: Well Yep. Just then, the 3 tourists come into the office, much to Laura's amazement, who thought they were going to the airport. But apparently, the case is so engrossing that they just couldn't leave. At least still alive.

Sarah: They can

Eric: yeah. After all, they can always get another airplane. Laura turns to Mildred and Bumpers. She says that there must be something that they're overlooking. A man's been killed.

Donald's been kidnapped, and there's apparently nothing wrong with Bright Age cosmetics. Well, Mildred insists that it's not a pyramid scheme. Donald reports that it's not a smuggling operation, saying that the men who abducted him wanted something that they insisted Melcher was carrying. Evidence most likely, Bumpers suggested. Laura muses that it would be helpful if they could identify the kidnappers.

And mister Haramoto jumps in informing the group that he and his fellow tourists took pictures as he reaches into his jacket to retrieve an envelope of photo prints. He comments that your 1 hour photo is very fast. Laura rushes over to him, puts her arms over his shoulders, and says, bless you, mister, But apparently, doesn't know her name know his name. I mean, after all, tell them apart. Right?

Japanese people, they all look alike. Right?

Sarah: Mildred Certainly what the episode's suggesting.

Eric: Yes. Mildred supplies the man's name, which Laura repeats. And, of course, mister Haramoto says, after all, they're not PIs for nothing. And in Japanese, mister Itasuro rhetorically asks, what do they think we are? Chopped liver?

Sarah: Right. Yeah. They're

Eric: well, as mister Haramoto and mister Takahamo are looking through the photos, Johnny Carson home. Very impressive. I love that picture in Japanese is what mister Takahama says that in Japanese. And in Japanese, mister Itasuru complains that it's a little underexposed.

Sarah: I mean, I no. I

Eric: I would be that guy.

Sarah: Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, as they flip

Eric: through the photos, sidetracked by their Hollywood fan photos, Laura impatiently urges them to get on with it until they get to a photo that prompts Donald to shout, that's him. Bumpers takes the photo and identifies mister Mustache as Vince Delgado, hired gun, and mister Suit as mister Allen Haxton, top money man for the mob out here. And the identification elicits disbelieving responses. You're kidding. The mob in Tarzana?

Well, next, we are at Laura's loft, and Frances is sitting at a table having a cup of coffee with Laura standing next to her with her own cup. And in script, we have there's some casual conversation between Laura and Frances before Laura tells Frances that there's something she wants to say. Frances interrupts, telling Laura that she doesn't have to say anything, but Laura insists she does. And Francis, again, insists that she doesn't.

Sarah: Mhmm.

Eric: You know, this is a a pattern with Francis.

Sarah: Yep. Yep. She's she's very she's people pleasing, and

Eric: she wanna talk about things.

Sarah: Yeah. Yeah.

Eric: Well, Laura insists that Frances please let her little sister apologize for the fact that she didn't believe her earlier, admitting that it wasn't very fair of her. Frances gives her a sharp look and says, no. It wasn't.

Sarah: Good for you, Frances.

Eric: Oh, Laura tries to excuse it to say that she's not used to being wrong, especially when I'm right, Frances replies with a defensive tone in her voice. Yeah. And Laura frowns and then asks why it is that they bring out the worst in each other. So Frances reminds Laura that they were always competitive. Yes.

They were, Laura acknowledges. But what are they competing about now? And Frances responds that maybe the maybe it's a question of who was right. And Laura, not seeing that as the answer, asks, right about what? Francis, apparently thinking the answer is obvious, says, to get married or pursue a career.

Sarah: Oof. I mean, like, if she hasn't hit the nail on the head of of pretty much women from the eighties till now Mhmm. That that war, that sort of, like, divide is still there, and it's still like it it shouldn't really, really shouldn't be. It's ridiculous. But that idea of like each person needing to feel that their choice was the morally superior or the correct 1, and the only way that they can do that is by tearing down the choice of the other person is is like, it's just it's really toxic.

Like, I I work. We put our child in daycare. I don't have any you know, I I don't regret that choice. If if if I could have stayed home, would I? Probably not.

But do I judge somebody else for if they have the means, choosing to stay home and and look after their child and and do carpal? No. Like, it's you know, you do you. Like, you make your choice, but there's so many women out there that I guess are defensive of of what they've chosen to do, partly because, like

Eric: You you mean the, a woman can choose to be anything she wants to be, except the housewife type argument?

Sarah: Yeah. Well, but there's the other side too of, like, house like, that that that's the side of the, you know, housewives of let down feminism. Right? There's that idea that if you are a housewife, you somehow, like, let down the whole gender, and you're not empowered, blah blah blah. But the other side of things is that those who, you know, those who feel defensive about being a housewife basically accuse working women of being not attentive to their children.

Oh, you just put them in daycare. You're not you know, what kind of a mother are you? Like, you go to work and that you don't see your kid. Like, that's that's not motherhood. Motherhood, you're you're you're not even like, there's that that

Eric: other side world. How hard it is to be a mother because you you don't really

Sarah: do it. Because you're not you're not really mothering. You're letting someone else look after your child. You're not. So there's this bitterness, this infighting, and we've seen this with Laura and Frances in the other episode, but it wasn't named.

Frances is explicitly naming it. She's calling it out. She's like, this is what we've been fighting about all this time. Who was right? Which 1 of us was right?

And it's, oof, Robin Bernheim.

Eric: Well, you know, there is a a rational argument that can be made in a lot of cases, not all the cases, but in a lot of cases, that a woman going to work and them putting their child or children into daycare or a babysitter situation doesn't really help them financially because all the money that they earn is going to pay for the daycare, the work clothes that they wouldn't normally buy, the you know, all these other things. And so there's there's there's a financial argument that can be made in some cases that

Sarah: Only to a point because if you think

Eric: about it Yeah. But I'm I'm saying that there there are some cases where that is a valid argument. It's just like up here, we have a bunch of people who live out of Anchorage in what we we call the valley. It's Wasella and Palmer. That's like an hour away.

And people say, well, I was able to get so much more house for the money. It's like, yeah. Okay. But you have to drive an hour from home to get to work, then an hour back. So that's 2 hours of your day shot that you're not doing anything productive.

You have to pay for the fuel, the extra maintenance on the vehicle because you're doing all this extra driving. And you and you look at all these other other costs that they have incurred as a result of this, but they don't wanna look at that. All they look is, well, look how much more house I got for the money. I I'm I'm money ahead. And so there's you know, there there are some situations where it it is a financially bad decision that looks good in theory.

But, yeah, you're right. I mean, this it doesn't apply to everybody.

Sarah: No. But what what what I would say is the other side of it is you stay in the workforce. Right? So it might not you might lose money in the short term, but in the long term, your career trajectory stays on track. You don't lose.

Eric: And, also, also, you you get benefits Yeah. Later on for, like, retirement and such.

Sarah: You don't lose 4 years of your of your employment. And then if if you were to take those 4 years off to look after your child rather than putting them in daycare and, again, I'm not saying that that's you know, you do you. You know? But a lot of women choose to do that because if they if they there if there's a 4 year gap, they may not get back into the workplace.

Eric: Yeah.

Sarah: Their their job might not be there for them when they wanna go back.

Eric: Yeah. And given the family dynamics that we have in society today, if they are depending entirely on the husband for their income and support And somehow that relationship fails.

Sarah: Job. Yeah. Or he yeah.

Eric: Or yeah. Or he loses a job, whatever. Like, you were talking about your dad back.

Sarah: Yeah. Yeah. He got injured. All of a

Eric: sudden, now the woman is starting over from ground 0. So, I mean, you're right. I mean, there's there's definitely a lot of different factors. But so often, what it comes down to for some people is we'll look at how much money I'm making right now by going to work, and they're not really looking at all the numbers. They're just looking at this 1 number that looks really, really good.

Sarah: I mean, for us, we got subsidies from our because there were subsidies for people who made a certain amount, like, you know, because it was, like, $2,000 a month for daycare. And now there's a federal $10 a day daycare program in every province except Ontario because our premier's a piece of crap. But, like, there's there's programs in place to help subsidize people that are lower income and can't afford it. So they're trying to help keep women in the workplace that wanna be in the workplace. Again, if you don't wanna be in the workplace, you wanna take care of your kids, you know, more power to you.

That's supposed to be what feminism was, like, the choice. But here is Laura and and Francis, and they've made very different choices. And they're finally, I guess, articulating what the what the source of their, I don't know, enmity is with 1 another, like that constant

Eric: There's that's a big part of

Sarah: it. Yeah. And I I like that Francis calls it out. Which 1 of us was right? You know?

Eric: Well, Laura's dumbfounded because she thinks, why does it have to be 1 or the other? Why does either 1 of us have to be right? And she says, well, don't you think I'd like to have a family of my own someday? I mean, I'm just like every other woman out there trying to make the pieces fit. And

Sarah: I would argue that what Frances says next is kind of true because Laura does always act like she has the answer to how to do life. Yeah. And I'm not saying she she even realizes that, but, like, if you look at all of the the shots of her at the at the bright age cult sing along, whatever you wanna call it. Mhmm. Laura's sitting there rolling her eyes.

The the discomfort she feels being in a room full of women talking about carpool, and looking good for their man, the way she sort of silently judges these women for the choices they've made. I don't think she realizes she's doing it, but she's doing it. Because that's kind of like she's like, oh, yeah. Housewives, talking housewife y things. Like, that might not be what she wants in that Mhmm.

In that particular sense. But, like, she does say, don't you think I want a family? Mhmm. She may do family differently. She may still be a working mother, and that would be fine.

But there is still an an underlying sense of judgment, I think, coming from Laura.

Eric: Well and at at Laura's comment, Frances, there's some hostility here when she she makes the jab that Yeah. She thought Laura had all the answers. I mean, just after all, look at the way she acts all the time. And, of course, Laura, as you said, argues that it's not true, but that Frances is just so afraid that Laura will look down on her lifestyle that she spends all of her time with Laura either complaining about how hard it is to be a good mother or trying to convince Laura that she's missing out on something. But the fact is that neither 1 of them has got it all together, and Laura doesn't know anyone who does.

Sarah: And I think this is a moment of rare self honesty for Laura that and, again, I I I think she has judged Frances, but she's kind of realizing that she as she just said, like, she doesn't have all the answers. She doesn't have it all together. She doesn't know anybody that does. And that I've seen women that do this, that that have made a choice, that spend all their time either complaining about how difficult it is because they have this they wanna have a martyr complex about it, or, you know, so hard to be, you know, a a working parent, or it's so hard to be a stay at home mom or whatever it is, and then turning around and being like, oh, well, it's so rewarding, though. Like, you don't even know because you didn't choose what I chose.

Like, you know? They The thing

Eric: is Laura is very defensive when she says this, and it's it's almost

Sarah: I do

Eric: think I don't know.

Sarah: It's She probably been passive aggressive about it too. I don't think it's been entirely one-sided. I think Frances has probably got a few jabs in there about, you know, what it's like her life and because they're they're they're sisters. They've been, like like we said, 1 upping each other their entire lives. So you know?

Eric: Yeah. It's just that, I I don't know. I'm I guess maybe it's that Laura is she resents the notion that she's kinda not wanting to consider that maybe she has acted as if she's got it all together, and Frances is just a flake. Yeah. It's kinda it's kinda 1 of those, well, 1 of those situations where somebody gets accused of something that they've actually done, and then they get defensive about Yeah.

What you know, the fact that they did it because, you know, just how dare you accuse me of the truth. But, anyway It's

Sarah: a nice it's a nice moment for both of them, though, because they they sort of come to a realization that they don't need. I think they don't need to compete. They don't need to prove that 1 of them or the other of them has made the right choice. If they're happy with their choice, that's literally all that matters is, are you happy with your life? And I think that they both have things that they are unhappy with.

Obviously, Laura has wanted more from mister Steele, and Frances, I think, is frustrated that she's not doing more, has more of a community or whatever it is. But, like, between the 2 of them, I don't think they would switch places. So

Eric: No. You know? But at Laura's admission that she doesn't have it all together and doesn't know anyone who does, Frances is kinda surprised, and I think she's also relieved at it because that takes some pressure off of her. For sure. But but there's now a knock at the door.

Laura answers, and it's miss Terry Goldblum. She was in the neighborhood and thought she'd drop off Laura's check. Laura accepts it. Is in the neighborhood at Laura's Yeah. Yeah.

No. Mm-mm. Laura accepts it, telling miss Goldblum that she's it was so thoughtful of her and smiling and oversolicited smile. Miss Goldblum says that they like to keep their sales force smiling. She sees Frances, says she didn't know that Laura's sister was there, and she has a check for Frances as well.

And, of course, Frances is excited, exclaiming that she's never gotten a paycheck before. Oh, There's lots more where that came from, miss Goldblum assures them. Just keep up the good work, and she'll see them at the awards ceremony tonight. And Laura, with fake excitement, assures miss Goldblum that they wouldn't miss it. Well, after the fake up cheerleader has left, Frances, looking at her check, tells Laura, this is terrific.

She made $200. Laura's puzzled. She said, that's not right. Frances chastises Laura for being a spoil sport. And Laura points out that Frances didn't sell that much.

I mean, certainly didn't sell much more than that. And Francis looks at Lauren. You're right. Then a huge smile breaks on Francis' face, and she joyfully exclaims, it's almost too good to be true.

Sarah: And this is how you know it's not a proper MLM because you wouldn't be getting that check for more than you actually sold. You certainly wouldn't be making money that you didn't make. But Yeah. Yeah.

Eric: And and you you would have to have sold a lot more than

Sarah: For sure.

Eric: You earned. Yeah. Laura, who's been looking at her check, realizes what's happening. The thrill of victory in her voice, she tells Francis, that's it. Congratulations, Francis.

You just solved the case.

Sarah: And as

Eric: Laura turns to run for the door, Francis calls out after her, I did? And then with concern asks, does this mean I have to give the money back?

Sarah: Poor Francis. Cash that check now, honey. Don't wait. Cash it now.

Eric: Well, it's daytime in a suburban neighborhood. And from the script, interior living room day, Donald paces nervously while Remington tries to inspire confidence. Donald, I don't know about this, Steele. Last time you used me for bait, I was nearly shot by a man disguised as a tooth. Steele.

Encouraged,

Sarah: Donald. Remembers that.

Eric: Couraged, Donald, you're covered like a blanket and into the walkie talkie. Papa bear to mama bear, report. And we jump back into the episode. Mildred is walking down a sidewalk pushing a pram. Then we hear Steele's voice sounding as if it's coming over the radio.

Papa bear to mama bear, report. Mildred steps to the side of the pram, reaches in, pulls out a rag doll with a walkie talkie tucked into its clothes, and into the walkie talkie reports, mama's ready.

Sarah: Love that Mildred is mama bear.

Eric: We see bumpers disguised as a meter reader and kneeling beside the house with a clipboard in 1 hand, walkie talkie in the other. A steel voice says, uncle bear? And bumpers replies, set. And for those who have not yet made the connection, Bumpers is uncle Bear because he's a tax agent, aka an employee of uncle Sam. Did you get that?

Sarah: I got it. Did you yeah. Okay. Yeah. Alright.

I got it.

Eric: It's it's 1 of those things that when you don't know it, you can easily miss it, but once you once you see it, you can't unsee it. Anyway, we cut back to the living room as Steele speaks into his walkie talkie, baby bears, and we see mister Haramoto dressed in khaki and wearing a Pith helmet. Pith helmet as he stands behind behind a lawnmower walkie talkie secured to the handlebars. He picks up the walkie talkie and reports back, ready to go, big guy. He resets the walkie talkie onto the handlebars and then begins to push it forward.

And as he does, we see mister Takahoma Takahamo to the side trimming the hedge. Back inside the Piper residence, Donald is pacing. He confronts Steele who is casually sitting in a large chair demanding to know if this is really necessary. Steele insists that unless Donald wants to look over his shoulder every time he leaves the door, gonna have to get these chaps now. So just Steele makes a sound as he indicates with Donald or indicates with his hand for Donald to just settle down.

The sound of Bumper's voice cuts into the conversation. Bandit, at 04:00, Steele stands, and he and Donald move over to the window out on the street. A black van with the markings that read, Floral Forest comes down the street and pulls into a driveway next door. Bumpers calls out, flower truck. Looks like we bagged them.

A man gets out of the van holding a large vase and an even yeah. Holding a large vase, which is holding an even larger flower arrangement in his hands, prompting bumpers to call out, false alarm. He's making the delivery next door, which is why the IRS should never have any armed agents because they are so easily fooled.

Sarah: Anyway I'm still I'm still baffled by the fact that you're like, I can't imagine the CRA with guns. Well,

Eric: I mean, if they need if they need firearm backup to take somebody down that may be potentially violent, I mean, we've got the FBI. That's what they're for.

Sarah: Yeah. Like, I I don't know. To me, that's to me, when I think of CRA, I think of, like, nerdy little accountants. I don't think of, like, people with subautomatics coming after me, but that's just me. Yeah.

I mean yeah.

Eric: And and let and let's be realistic. Most people that they're gonna go after that have enough money that they would have massive firepower to stop the IRS agents, they're gonna stop them with their lawyers. They're not gonna shoot

Sarah: at them.

Eric: Anyway, where were we? Yes. False alarm. He's making a delivery next door. Steele turns to Donald, telling him, well, it's up to you, old man.

He puts his arm around Donald's shoulder and begins leading him toward the front door. Now remember, they can't shoot you unless they've got the evidence. Okay? Panicking, Donald argues that he doesn't have the evidence. You see?

You've got absolutely nothing to worry about, reasons. Then he tells Donald, go get the morning paper. Donald hesitates. Then as if talking to a dog, Steele tells Donald, go fetch. And with false bravado, Donald strolls out of the door down to the end of the driveway, picks up the paper, and then strolls back into the house.

Back inside, he falls against the wall, breathing heavily from the tension and stress and complains, think I risked my life for this rag. He tosses the paper to steal who catches it with 1 hand up against his chest. Donald walks across the room to a large padded chair and collapses in it. Outside, a mail carrier walks across the street, up onto the sidewalk, and then passes Mildred on that sidewalk. As he passes, Mildred grabs her walkie talkie and reports.

She thinks they've got a live 1. Steele and Donald rush over to the window and look out. In a panic, Donald tells Steele that that's not our mailman. Their guy doesn't get there until 03:00. Steele tells Donald to go hide in the kitchen, but as he does, he hands him the newspaper telling them to read the funnies.

Steel orders Mildred to get out now. Then he alerts mister Haramoto who responds that they've got him. As the mail carrier walks down the sidewalk carrying an envelope in his hand, looking around at addresses, mister Haramoto is pacing him. The man also passes in front of mister Takahamo, who watches as he continues to clip the hedges. The carrier pauses, then begins to approach the back door of the Piper home.

Bumpers inform Steele that he's closing in. As the carrier approaches the door, we see bumpers, mister Haramoto and mister Takahamo come up behind him. And as he starts to knock on the door, Steele slings it open, rushes out, and grabs the man as bumpers Haramoto and Takahamo join him in surrounding the mailman.

Sarah: This poor guy. This poor guy.

Eric: Holding the carrier up against the wall.

Sarah: Steel has his fist in the man's face telling

Eric: him, nice try, but we saw you coming a mile away. Bumpers is digging through the bag, the carrier, frightened, says, postage due? A likely story. Where's the real paper man, Steele demands? He retired yesterday.

I'm the new guy. Call in if you don't

Sarah: believe me. Steele looks at Bumpers. First day on the job. That sucks. Yeah.

Eric: Steele looks at Bumpers who nods. Yep. Steele begins buying through the mailbag himself. Then after a moment, looks up at the carrier. Embarrassed, he begins to smooth out the man's jacket and stutters out.

Welcome to the neighborhood. We're very possessive about our postal employees. That's all. Okay? Here you go.

Have a nice day now. Take care.

Sarah: And the guy leaves without delivering any mail. So he's just, like, happy to get away with his life at this point.

Eric: Yes. And the look on his face is that he's already planning to request the transfer to a new neighborhood.

Sarah: Yeah. He's like, yeah. These people are psycho.

Eric: Steele calls over his shoulder into the house to Donald that he can come out now. There's no immediate response from inside. And then after a moment, there's still no response from inside. Steele, in a panic, turns and bursts through the door. He races through the house followed by mister Haramoto and mister Takahamo and bumpers, But no, Donald.

They run out of the open back door and find mister Itasuro. I got it right that time.

Sarah: I know. I know. It's hard. It's a hard name.

Eric: On the ground. As steel helps him to his feet, he yells to to the group in Japanese, they went that way. And they all start running in the direction indicated and come around the house in time to see the floral forest van peel out of the driveway and tear down the street. Feudally, Steele and the group attempt to chase on foot. Come on, guys.

Come on. Seriously.

Sarah: Know you're never gonna catch it.

Eric: At the same time, Laura's driving the rabbit down the street toward the Piper home. She sees the van wildly careening and on the wrong side of the street, stealing the posse giving chase. She swerves and slams to a stop, avoiding a collision and acting as an obstacle, forcing the driver of the van to make a sudden hard turn to avoid impact, and if possible, go around her. But all he succeeds in doing is driving into the postal jeep that's parked on the other side of the street. The mail carrier looks on, stunned as the action unfolds.

And as he's standing there watching Mildred and Bumpers come up behind him and run into him. And the look of terror on his face, he turns and he runs. Yeah. Laura hops out of the car intending to chase the Donald knappers who have taken off running, but she hears Donald in the back of the van pounding on the side and hollering, let me out. Laura runs to the back of the van and opens the door for Donald.

In the meantime, Steele, bumpers, and the tourists, and, yes, even the mailman, catch up to the occupants of the van, mister Shoot and mister Mustache

Sarah: Yep.

Eric: And are giving them the what for. Having subdued them in, Steele stops the tourists from inflicting more further damage on mister Mustache, though they do seem a bit overly eager to continue using mister Mustache as a punching bag. Steele demands to know what's going on. Laura, who has just arrived on the scene with Donald, informs Steele that Bright Age Cosmetics launders money for the mob. Felix Melcher found out, so they killed him.

Mustache calls baloney.

Sarah: A mobster that uses the word baloney, that kills me. Yeah. Well Yeah. It's it's PG, so you can't have him say what he would say, which would be bull excrement. But, yeah, that's that's literally.

Eric: Well, he admits he was supposed to do it, but Piper beat him to it. In frustration, Donald intensely retorts, I keep telling you. I'm a dentist. Steele urges the man to continue. He continues.

He waited all night for Melcher to show up at his girlfriend's house, but he never did. When Laura challenges his credibility by stating that she doesn't believe him, he responds indignantly. Hey. We're professionals. Okay?

We take a certain pride in our work. Nothing sloppy. No loose ends. If we made the hit, you think you'd ever find the body?

Sarah: I like how he's freely admitting that he's a murderer, that he's killed before, that he intended to kill this man, but, you know, all out of how dare you insult my professionalism?

Eric: That's right. That's right. Hey. If you're do something, take pride in it no matter what it is. Steele tells Laura that the man does have a point, but if he didn't kill him Felix Melcher, Laura asks, then who did?

We jump over to the auditorium where Bright Age Cosmetics is about to crown their lavender lady of the year. The crowd of women are cheering and clapping in their adoration for Ted Warner. From the back entrance come Remington, Laura, Donald, and Francis. Laura directs Donald and Francis to sit as she and Remington continue forward. At the pulpit I'm sorry, podium.

Ted Warner is saying that it gives him great pleasure to present the Lavender Lady of the Year award to their very own Terry Goldblum. Goldblum rises as, again, the crowd cheers and applauds. She steps over next to Warner and is handed an obnoxious trophy.

Sarah: Yeah.

Eric: In the meantime, Steele and Laura pass through the curtains that are at the side of the stage, which lead to the backstage area, and then they rush onto the stage. Steele pushes Goldblum to the side and then grabs the microphone from Warner and begins speaking. I hate to break up the what?

Sarah: He just pulled a Kanye here. For those of you who don't know know what I'm referencing, like, Taylor Swift winning the the Grammy for think it was, like, best song of the year or something. I don't know. She won a Grammy for something. And Who cares?

She was in the midst of giving her speech when Kanye West jumped up onto the stage and grabbed the microphone from her. You know, I'm a let you finish, but Beyonce had the better album, and she you know, he basically just stepped in there and kind of this is Steele's I'm a Let You Finish. This is he's like, ah, no. Wait. Hold on a second.

Sorry. Go ahead.

Eric: Well, as far as I'm concerned, probably all those people's their albums on a scale of 1 to 10 would rate in the negatives. Anyway, where were we? Yes. Yes. Yes.

Yes. Yes. I hate to break up the party ladies, but this man here is a fraud. Bright Age cosmetics is nothing more than a front for organized crime. And in the background, the Lavender ladies who had been present on the stage begin rushing off.

Warner grabs the mic back from Steele and insists that he doesn't know what Steele's talking about. Steele steps behind him, grabs Warner's free arm, pulls it up tight behind the man's back as Laura moves in, grabs the mic from Warner, and then continues telling the ladies, you have been used to launder millions of dollars worth of illegal activities. How do you think Ted could afford to keep you so happy? Well, the women in the audience begin to murmur. Where do you think all those hefty bonus checks came from?

You didn't earn them. You didn't sell enough to earn them.

Sarah: Werner has been gonna make any friends here with this because, like, she's literally taking away like, these these women have actually been making money off of this m this not an MLM. Right? Like, because normally, you don't make money. These women have been making money. 1 woman is putting her kid through college, and Laura's basically, like, just destroying it.

Eric: And she is right in the middle of it all.

Sarah: Yeah. Yeah. I I do I don't know what Laura is expecting to happen here, but if I were 1 of those women, I wouldn't care where it came from if I was getting

Eric: well I mean, they don't.

Sarah: That's No. They like, that's what they get quite angry. Like, how dare you take away our cash cow here?

Eric: Yeah. Well, Laura Laura, not reading the room

Sarah: Yeah.

Eric: Continues on to say, where do you think those hefty bonuses checks came from? You didn't earn them. You didn't sell enough to earn them. Werner has been inflating your receipts to account for the cash filtered through his books by the mob. Well, as the discontent from the women grows louder, Judy, Piper's neighbor, stands up and says, wait a minute.

Now wait a minute. Is anything wrong with our cosmetics? Well, the crowd's gone silent, and Laura and Steele look at each other for a moment. And Steele, still holding on to Warner, grabs the mic in 1 hand and admits that, no. Actually, the cosmetics are first rate.

Sarah: How would he know? Well Was he a how does he know if the skin cream works the way it's supposed to?

Eric: Maybe they got a report. Who knows? Anyway, Judy continues calmly asking, have we done anything wrong? Laura glances at Steele then pulls the mic toward herself and begins, well, technically, no. Judy cuts her off demanding to know, then what's the problem?

And then insists that Laura and Steele get off the stage, which then leads to the crowd booing and jeering Steele and Laura. And a look of concern covers Steele's face as he tells Laura. Yeah. These ladies are rabid. They're gonna tear slim to slim.

And I I guess, you know, it doesn't pay to be the good guys catching the bad guys when you are outnumbered by the people profiting from those misdeeds. Yeah. Anyway but Laura, no. She's not intimidated yet. She grabs the mic and speaks with determination.

Alright. So it makes no difference where the money comes from. Do you care that a man's been murdered? And, of course, the crowd is confused and disbelieving. And with fervor, Laura continues, informing the crowd that Felix Melcher was murdered in cold blood by none other than their beloved Ted Warner.

Warner looks at Steele in confused disbelief. He jumps forward, grabs the mic with his free hand, and defends himself, claiming he didn't kill anybody and the ID is crazy. Grabbing the mic back, Steele demands to know where he was 2 days ago when Melcher was killed. A woman in the audience stands admitting that Warner was with her at 09:00. Steele frowns.

Another woman stands looking at the first woman, realization slowly donning and says, he was with me at 11. Another woman stands in an atone that sounds more like an accusation than a defense, announces, he was with me at 12:00.

Sarah: Okay. I'm not a man, but

Eric: Early early version of Viagra. That's the only thing.

Sarah: Literally, in my notes, have Viagra question mark because from what I've been told by other men who this is not something that most, if any, would be able to do very easily.

Eric: Well, apparently, he could.

Sarah: The less said about that, the better. I just think, wow. Okay. That's some stamina he's got. Like, that had that that schedule is pretty, pretty packed.

Eric: Pretty intense. Yeah. And it also makes you wonder what he was doing at

Sarah: At At 1? Yeah.

Eric: 10:00. At 01:00. Yeah. Anyway, through clenched teeth, Steele quietly tells Warner that, you know, the man's probably gonna be safer if he comes with Steele. Yeah.

Pretty much. Laura, unwilling to give up now and having eliminated all other suspects, turns her attention to Terry Goldblum saying that Felix Melcher wasn't on his way to see her when she when he was killed because she was already there or because he was already there. As Laura makes her accusation, she steps toward Goldblum who is looking decidedly nervous. Steele, having released his hold on Warner, steps up behind Laura, realizing that this new revelation would account for why he why Melcher or why Melcher wound up on the Francis' floor, their next door neighbors, if he remembers correctly. Laura continues.

He confided in Goldblum and told her what he'd found out, but Goldblum didn't react the way he expected. She reacted like everyone else here tonight. She didn't want her golden bubble to burst, so she killed him.

Sarah: Yeah. I mean, I wouldn't I don't agree with killing him, but nobody would want to be told that this great money making venture Mhmm. Is illegal because then you lose that income stream. That would suck. Yeah.

You know?

Eric: Well, I mean, it's it's like I I know somebody, and I won't mention who, almost got sucked into a remailing scheme.

Sarah: Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Eric: Yep. You know? It looked like easy money, looked legit, and it makes you money until you get caught and arrested.

Sarah: Yep. Yep. Pretty much.

Eric: But, anyway, Steele concludes that Goldblum then destroyed the evidence because Melcher was gonna turn it over to the IRS. Well, Goldblum, obviously a student of the the best defense is a strong offense school of making excuses, asks, can't you people make up your mind? First, you're accusing Ted, and now you're accusing me. Do you own a gun, missus Goldbloom, for protection? Can it stand a ballistic test?

Steele and Laura ask in turn. Goldblum stares at them for a moment and then glances at the audience, and suddenly she lunges forward, shoves Laura back into Steele, and then turns, takes off running. Laura recovers, and then she and Steele take off in pursuit. Goldblum rushes out of the curtain at the side of the stage and then begins running up the aisle toward the back of the auditorium to escape. But as she's running, a stalking leg stretches out in her path.

She trips on the leg, falling hard. The leg retreats, and Francis, the owner of the leg, stands. She strides to the fallen woman, jabs a finger down in her direction, and insists, next time, keep the body in your own kitchen.

Sarah: I like that.

Eric: In the reception of the agency, mister Haramoto is holding the camera instructing, say sushi. And we see Steele standing between mister Itasuro and mister Takahamo, an arm around each man's shoulder. Grinning widely, Steele calls out, sushi, and then begins shaking the man's hands, thanking them for being invaluable aids into the investigation.

Sarah: Can can we talk about that suit jacket that Steele is wearing? Because it's kinda hideous. It doesn't look like it. It it looks like it's not sure if it wants to be a suit coat or a house coat.

Eric: Yeah. It's Well, it I think the problem part of the problem is because the collar's turned up. But yeah. What what's with the belt?

Sarah: Yeah. The belt. It's just it yeah. Anyway, sorry. I just that's they always put them in some of these weird style like, weirdly styled suit jackets, and I get it.

Suits are pretty pretty like, there's not much you can do to suit there. Yeah. But, like, this this doesn't work for me. Yeah.

Eric: Anyway. Anyway, yeah. Yeah. Smiling mister Hayamoto tells Steele that next year, he must come to Tokyo. And in Japanese, mister Takahamo tells Steele not to forget to bring the babe.

And Steele, having no clue as to what was said, agrees. Absolutely. The men leave bidding Steele and everyone's, Steele returns to them and then comments to Mildred that they really are wonderful chaps. And behind them, Bumpers is standing, waiting. Steele leaves and Bumpers steps forward to Mildred and softly asks, how about it, Krebi?

What do you say we become a team again? Mildred gives him a sweet smile but reminds him that he's in DC now. Bumper doesn't see that as a problem, but Mildred tells him that despite the fact that it's a tempting offer, she's gonna have to pass, saying

Sarah: that she started heartbreaker. Dwight, bumpers.

Eric: Yeah. She says she's gotten started again. And then for the first time in the episode, Mildred addresses him by his first name, which to me indicates that may you know, while they were maybe are great colleagues, there was also

Sarah: Oh, there was 1000%.

Eric: Aspect to their relationship. There.

Sarah: Yeah. 100%. Yeah.

Eric: Anyway, she continues explaining that she's got new work, new friends, and this is where she belongs now. Well, he's clearly disappointed, but he tamps down his disappointment and tells her that he'll just take that as a postponement and not a definite no, letting her know that it's an offer that is open to her anytime she should wanna change her mind. Yeah. Mildred laughs lovingly, pats him on the arm, and tells him that he can consider it anything he likes. They look at each other for a moment, then he reaches out, puts his arm around her, leans in, and kisses her on the cheek.

And Mildred returns to gesture by reaching out, putting her arm around him, and kissing him back on the cheek. They separate, and with obvious sadness, Bumpers bids her goodbye. Inside the office, Steele, Laura, Francis, and Donald are gathered. Donald is shaking Steele's hand and telling them, well, Steele, you've done it again. Lucky for them that Laura works for such an understanding employer.

Sarah: I mean, if they ever did get married, they'd have to explain this. Like, they'd have to eventually be you know? Or maybe not. I don't know. Maybe not.

Eric: No. Yeah. Anyway, Steele and Laura simultaneously let out with an awe. And then Steele tells Don that he was glad to be of service. Frances tells Steele that the whole experience has made her realize that it's time for her to go out and do something on her own.

And Donald is looking at her, but as she says this, he gets a look of uncertainty on his face. Francis announces that she's going back to school, and Donald looks really concerned as Laura hugs Frances. Frances puts her arm through Donald's and then explains that she's going to be a dental hygienist. That way she and Donald can work together just like Laura and mister Steele.

Sarah: Oh, no. Poor Donald looks terrified. Oh, yes. He is panicking. So uncomfortable here.

Eric: And he tries to hide it by feigning happiness by telling her that it's a terrific And then,

Sarah: yeah, we'll

Eric: talk about it in the car. Hugs and kisses are exchanged, and then Donald and Francis leave. And as they do, we can hear Francis telling Donald, don't you think it's a wonderful idea? And Donald again responding with an unenthusiastic, we'll talk.

Sarah: We'll talk in the car. Yeah. He does not like, cookie was 1 thing, but having the wife around 24 7 and then coming out no. No. He is not on board with that.

Mm-mm. I don't even think it's about her working. I don't I don't Mhmm. Like, I think if they could figure things out that he'd be fine with that. I think it's more about, oh, god.

In my office, the wife here all the time. You know, it would drive anybody nuts, frankly. Yeah.

Eric: Well, once Laura and Steele are alone, Laura says she doesn't get it. Steele, thinking she's referring to some aspect of the case, answers that he thought they wrapped that 1 up very nicely. And she says, no. She she means him. The Remington Steele that walked into her life 3 years ago wouldn't care a fig about what happened to her family.

Steele hesitates, glances back

Sarah: with necessarily true, but I think he would have used it as leverage to, like, get in her pants.

Eric: Well, realistically, technically, realistically, that is not caring what happened to her family.

Sarah: True. I I'm saying he would have feigned, like because he did with Abigail. He was always like, oh, Abigail. Well, you know, I think he would've Mhmm. But I think she recognizes the the sincerity now in what he was doing as opposed to what he tried to do back then.

That's what the statement means, I think.

Eric: Yeah. Well, he hesitates, glances back toward the door, and then confesses that that Remington seal is gone. Smiling, Laura gently asks, and who's replaced him?

Sarah: Yeah.

Eric: Steel grabs Laura, pulls her close, and playfully asks, miss Holt, what's life without without a little mystery,

Sarah: And this is why I I still maintain that season 4 might not have these big flashy scenes between them, but that their relationship advances and leaps and bounds here in smaller, subtle ways. This whole episode being based around Steele just wanting to help and not like, they don't have a big conversation about it. It literally is just him saying that that was me before. This is me now. I'm here.

His confession to Donald maybe gives us some insight into that. But beyond that, it's it's pretty like, each of these episodes has these small little moments that have this intimacy that they didn't have before. Mhmm. I you know, Canon says they're not sleeping together, so I'm gonna go with Canon. But, like, in many ways, they're more intimate now than Mhmm.

Than just sleeping together. Like, sex is is 1 form of intimacy, but this is a a deeper form of intimacy that Mhmm. They are finally getting to.

Eric: Well, like we talked about in the last episode, the forward momentum has slowed, but the depth momentum has increased.

Sarah: They're going deeper and and in into each other, and it it it shows. So I I don't know. I'm team I am team season 4 all the way. I love I really like this episode. This is a fun 1.

Mhmm.

Eric: Well, as the conclusion, Steel waggles his eyebrows as they smiley at each other and we freeze. Yeah. Yeah, it's it's a

Sarah: good episode. It's it's it's a good time. It's got silliness. I mean, some of the racial stereotypes don't hold up, but they're still, like, they're still fun. It's not like it's it's grading to the point of, like, you know, some of the old Disney movies that are, like

Eric: Totally offensive.

Sarah: Yeah. Yeah. Like, of the old Disney movies that use, like, actual racial slurs, and you're just like, I can't show that to my daughter, you know, because it's you know? But, yeah, this is a fun 1. It's a good time.

Eric: Yeah. Anything else?

Sarah: No. I think that's pretty much it.

Eric: Okay. We we ran real long on this 1.

Sarah: I know.

Eric: Sounds good. Got the talkies going.

Sarah: I'm sorry. I had a lot of stuff on cults that I wanted to talk about because it's like it's a I don't know. It's a personal fascination of mine, and it kind of I didn't tell my cult story, but I will tell that when we get to sensitive because it's a fun 1. Alright.

Eric: So winding it up. You can visit the website at steelwatching.com. There you'll find show notes, Amazon links to Beverly Hill Cop, and links to other resources such as

Sarah: The Facebook page, the Instagram page, the Twitter Twitter account, whatever you wanna call it, x, and, of course, the officially unofficial steel watchers Facebook group, where we talk and share stories and fan fictions and make fun of us. There's a lot of making fun of us, but in fun ways and good ways. And it it it's what's really fun about it is that other steel watchers have taken it upon themselves when they know an episode is coming to post. And this wasn't something that's been organized by us and any by any means, but they'll post screenshots and and small videos and discuss aspects of the episode the week leading up to the episode coming out. So it's always a fun time to see what their thoughts are before we go into it.

So yeah. Join it. Join us.

Eric: And you can also, on the website, find ways to support us financially or to help your friends subscribe to the podcast so they can follow it.

Sarah: Or you can recruit a friend, and you can sell our

Eric: Sell access to our podcast.

Sarah: It's gonna be a Friday. Sorry. Let's do it.

Eric: Alright. Next episode. Santa is coming up steal. Yeah. Return to Santa Claus.

Yeah. Anyway

Sarah: Rad bastard.

Eric: Alright. Well, thanks, thanks, everybody. We'll talk to you later. Bye bye.

Sarah: Bye bye.